This article was written by The Zillennial Zine’s spring editorial intern Lindsay Daneen. Find her on Instagram at @_lindsay_daneen. If you would like to share an article with The Zillennial, send us an email at thezillennialzine@gmail.com.
We live in a judgmental world. It’s a world full of people who feel their way of doing things is the only way. It’s the case with things as minuscule as how many chocolate chips should go in your cookie recipe to things as monumental as whether you should have children. Imagine that. Someone judging your decision to have or to not have children. And the craziest part about it is the silent beef between the two groups. Moms judge childless women and childless women judge the moms! It’s a mess! If I were to guess (as a childless woman myself) mothers subconsciously wonder, are childless women happier? And I’ll admit some women are wondering if mothers are happier. Who’s really winning?
You’re not alone if you feel the thickness in the air when the conversation of motherhood comes up in a room mixed with mothers and childless women. It’s like both sides are silently judging each other. Many (not all) mothers feel that it’s selfish to not have children or that having children is one of the main reasons women were put on this earth. Many women without children feel that it’s selfish to bring them into this dangerous and overpopulated world or they simply believe that it’s not the right time for them if at all. But my point is why do we have issues with each other regarding this life-changing decision? Which group deserves to be judged? And why? I’m here to break it down.
The History
Throughout history and in societies across the globe, women have been the sole entity associated with birthing and raising children. Yes. Men are involved with the conception but traditionally that’s all they were there for. After the spreading of the seed, the onus is on the mother. The pregnancy and raising of children is a woman’s job. And many women feel honored to have that role. Others, not so much. Are you ready for my brutal honesty? Keep reading…
Why Childless Women Judge Mothers
I can think of one main reason why we as childless women often judge mothers. I want to start by admitting that this is not how I feel about all mothers. But some moms fit the mold. What is the mold, you ask? They seem to share the sentiment that once you are a mother life suddenly has meaning that it never had before. It feels almost … cultish or like brainwashing. I hear mothers state that they genuinely love cleaning up vomit and diaper changes. They make it seem like life is perfect and they have nothing else to live for besides their child. PTA meetings and soccer games really are the highlights of their day. Constant anxiety about their kid’s safety isn’t crippling. And having their toddler’s sticky hands all over their food doesn’t make them want to scream at some point. Childless women aren’t convinced.
Additionally, some of us are considering the fact that the world is already overpopulated and chaotic. Having children is necessary to populate the world so we don’t die off. At least that’s the science behind it. But look around… there are so many people that we are literally fighting for resources and opportunities every single day. Why would we want to add to that madness? Or better yet, bring innocent children into this rat race just to satisfy our personal needs? We’d really like to spare them that suffering.
The Truth
Although mothering may be a wonderful experience, it’s okay to admit that you cry daily because you’re responsible for shaping a tiny human into a functioning adult. You can be truthful about feeling like your life is no longer yours. Your children don’t see you as a person with feelings but only as the supplier of everything they want and need. You get frustrated too. No matter how much you deny it, we know you want to throw your kids’ toys across the room when you step on them in the middle of the night. Just admit that it’s a wonderful yet thankless job. You’re superwoman. But you’re still human. When mothers put on the façade that life is wonderful, they seem unrelatable. Childless women wonder what you’re trying to hide and why? That’s why many of us are convinced you don’t truly love it as much as you say.
Regarding the overpopulation of the world, as I mentioned before, the desire to have children is biological. Women aren’t crazy for wanting to reproduce. For some, it is a deep urge that needs to be satisfied. So, If the children are brought into a safe and loving environment, there’s no need to condemn mothers for their choice.
Why Mothers Judge Childless Women
As a childless woman who plans on waiting until the age of thirty-eight to even consider children, I feel like a rebel. It’s me against the world and everyone in society who thinks I’m crazy or misguided for waiting that long. And what do rebels do best? The exact opposite of what everyone says. We yell it proudly from the rooftops! But in all fairness, that can be considered annoying to mothers. I might judge myself too if the roles were reversed.
Some mothers see us as selfish for not wanting to share our lives with tiny humans. Apparently, we should be committed to contributing to the population instead of ourselves. We can come off as self-centered as we express all the wonderful things we get to do and the stretch marks, loose skin, and lack of bladder control that we don’t have to deal with because we don’t have children. We appear insensitive because we made the conscious decision to not partake or wait until later in life to join motherhood. It can feel like they resent us for these decisions. We have no idea why but it feels like envy and we are only left to speculate.
The Truth
Not having children has allowed me to get to know myself in ways that would have been interrupted by having them. I’ve traveled the world. I can get wine drunk on a weeknight. I don’t have a schedule unless I choose to. My money and time are mine. I love it here! I can focus on a garden, a career, a dog, or absolutely nothing at all. This may sound like bragging but honestly, it’s something women like myself deeply cherish and appreciate about our journey. Not unlike how mothers feel about motherhood. And in a world that tries to make women feel like their life is confined to the lifecycle of youth, motherhood, and then death, we’re just so happy to find purpose and drive within ourselves. What’s wrong with that?
To be transparent, although I don’t feel this way personally, many women shout their pride for not being a mother from the mountaintops because they are trying to convince others that they are okay with it. Remember you need the sperm, money, and resources to have children. These are all factors that we can’t fully control. So, it’s important to consider that not all childless women are against the idea of having children. Maybe they can’t or it’s not a good time. Just some food for thought.
What We Have in Common
Both groups of women have commonalities. The biggest thing is they are each judged by their counterparts. The other is that judgment doesn’t start and end with women. Men judge us too! Women with children are only seen as mothers and nothing more. While women without them are seen as unlovable, broken, or masculine. Perhaps the most important thing we should highlight with these two groups is they are both trying to figure out life given the deck of cards they were dealt. The desire to have kids or not is affected by many factors. It’s biological, situational, related to religion, upbringing, or circumstances. We’re all trying to figure life out. Being a woman is not easy by any means. So why are we adding to it by Judging each other for what we do with our ovaries? Isn’t that what we want others to stop doing?
How Do We Stop It?
We’ve established the judgment needs to stop. How? Transparency! We’re each trying to convince the other that we’re okay when we aren’t. None of us are! Moms, it’s fine to admit motherhood is challenging. You love your kids every day, but you may not like them as often. Sometimes you feel neglected in your household and in society. Maybe you’d have done things differently if you’d known how invisible you would feel. Do you know how refreshing that confession is to childless women? Your relatability is hidden within your vulnerability.
Childless women, it’s okay to admit you feel left out of the mommy mix even though you’re genuinely happy. Or maybe you’re not. You’re in the minority by not having kids and you feel excluded and ridiculed sometimes. That’s understandable. Maybe you feel like your time is running out. It’s okay! You’re allowed to feel this way. And it’s okay to say it out loud. So the question, ‘Are childless women happier, or are mothers happier?’ needs to stop. We’re all navigating this shit-show called life in our own way. It’s hard enough without this ridiculous debate.
How do you feel about this issue? Do we need to stop judging each other?
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