This article was written by The Zillennial Zine’s spring editorial intern Lindsay Daneen. Find her on Instagram at @_lindsay_daneen. If you would like to share an article with The Zillennial, send us an email at thezillennialzine@gmail.com.
Having siblings is hard. Sure it can be beautiful and rewarding. But it’s not always easy. I don’t care if you have a stepsibling, half-sibling, an adopted one, or one you share two biological parents with. Whether you’re twins, one year apart, or facing a 20-year age gap, you have someone taking up space as your other half. You’ve grown up with them or at least share parental ties. One thing that is always going to be true… you will grow together in some way. You will either grow closer or grow apart. If you’ve experienced this, you understand how world-shattering it can feel to grow in opposite directions or how warm it can feel to grow a true bond. But one or both feelings are inevitable. So, if you’re wondering why do siblings grow apart, keep reading. You just might find out how to repair this life-long friendship.
I just want to be clear that I am speaking from experience. This topic is important to me because I have navigated through this and feel that it’s important to understand how to manage relationships. I also don’t have any friends who are only children. Not one. Therefore, you can rest assured that this is not a theoretical article. But a love letter to all my fellow siblings out there, no matter which side of the issue you fall on.
What We’re Told
Siblings are the closest friends you’ll ever have. They are the one connection between your parents that no one will understand quite like them. Your brother(s) and/or sister(s) are meant to be there through thick and thin, they’re never meant to hurt you, and you should always kiss and make up. You will always love your siblings and you should pick them over everyone else because family always comes first.
The Truth
I’m sorry to tell you the following. This is complete bullshit. Your siblings will hurt you. You will always love them, but you probably will not like them a lot of the time. Regardless of where or how you grew up, they may not understand your experience with your parents, and you may not understand theirs. You should not always kiss and make up because that’s not how life works. They’re meant to be there through thick and thin, sure. But that’s not always how the cookie crumbles. And countless people will reluctantly confess that they would not have chosen their siblings if they were given the choice. It’s the sad and honest truth. But not all hope is lost. Relationships with your siblings are supposed to be nurtured and tended to like a sensitive yet sturdy plant because the reality is, they’re not going anywhere.
Growing Apart: Nature
I will be vulnerable and explain this from my perspective. I have a sister. We have different mothers and we are 21 years apart in age. Growing up she was always my idol. I thought everything she did was so cool. I was the flower girl at her wedding and her first child was like an annoying little brother to me. We were so close. One day that changed. It didn’t change all at once though. I just wasn’t that little girl that dreamt of being her when I grew up anymore. I was a teenager that was inspired by other people and other things. When I grew up I realized that my sister was a human being. Not some otherworldly being that could do no wrong. We disagreed on topics that were important to us. We just didn’t mesh anymore. And although it was unsaid, it didn’t go unnoticed.
I never said anything and I let it fester because I couldn’t fathom the idea of arguing with or having an ugly interaction with her. I take responsibility for that. It took me years to finally speak up and it wasn’t the prettiest. I tell you this not to air my dirty laundry but to explain that there is not one thing (usually) that causes you to grow apart. Sometimes it’s natural like with my situation. I was bound to grow up at some point. You feel different about everything when you turn 18. But although it took years for us to get where we are today and a lot of uncomfortable conversations (with her and my therapist) I have a new appreciation for my sister. We’re both grown women with different personalities, upbringings, and experiences. I’m excited to see how we make up for those awkward years.
Growing Apart: Outsiders
Before writing this article, I realized that I don’t have anyone close to me who is an only child. We may have grown up like one due to age gaps or circumstances, but we are all someone’s brother or sister. Some of my friends can relate to my situation while others grew apart for different reasons. Some families are more… complicated. Sometimes one sibling is favored over the other. This can be the case for a variety of reasons. But I make no excuses for parents who outwardly show their favoritism. It’s painful and harmful. But life is messy and complex. Sometimes siblings grow apart because of their parents or other siblings. How could you not develop resentment toward your sibling when it is made abundantly clear that they are the preference?
There are also times when people outside of your household interfere with and alter your feelings toward your siblings. This can be aunts/ uncles, classmates, friends, or significant others. Anyone can do this whether intentionally or not. This can be tricky. It’s natural to want companionship outside of your home. It’s healthy, even. A rift can occur because you feel more aligned with your best friend or a cousin than your brother or siser. I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to feel guilty about it. It happens and it’s okay.
Growing Apart: Conflict
We all make mistakes. We make a lot of them. Now that I’ve stated the obvious we have to consider that sometimes we hurt our siblings and they hurt us. Whether intentional or not, pain is pain. Since you’ll never be perfect and will probably continue to make mistakes take this piece of advice. A genuine apology can go a long way. Apologize, learn from your actions, and be mindful moving forward. If you know that embarrassing your little brother in public is hurtful, don’t continue to do it. If you know taking your big sister’s favorite pair of earrings upsets her, stop doing it. These may seem like small mindless offenses but you’d be surprised how these types of interactions can break the foundation of your bond. Think of it as their trust in you breaking every time you do these things. You’re probably harming your relationship.
How to Close the Gap
I’ve probably said this a million times, but communication and transparency are key! Please remember that your siblings are human. They aren’t mind readers. They’re not perfect. Keep in mind that although they may share your parents, household, or bedroom, they are having different experiences than you. Try not to assume you know what they are going through or feeling. You’d be surprised how different they may feel about the same situation you saw from a different lens. And talk to each other! Even if it’s to tell them you need space or that you don’t like them that particular day. Some conversation gives more insight than none at all. Then when you’re ready, expound on those feelings with an intentional conversation.
Keep the goal in mind. What is your ultimate goal with your brother or sister? Do you want to have a bestie relationship? Would you like them to play more of a parental/ guardian role in your life? Do you want to see them only when necessary? None of these answers are wrong. But they do drastically affect how you interact with your sibling. So think about this and move accordingly once you decide.
Why Do Siblings Really Grow Apart?
If you want to know why do siblings grow apart, here’s my official answer. It’s complicated because every situation is different. But I can say this with clarity. Nothing can keep you from finding each other again if you each approach the situation with love, respect, and transparency. I don’t care how deep-rooted the conflict or trauma goes, if you haven’t both approached it with those three things, try again! And also have the maturity to know when a relationship can’t be mended. Both are okay. But understand this. They love you and you love them. Give it time and be consistent. You can grow from this. You just have to be willing to put in the time and effort and be open to accepting when it’s time to let the chips fall where they may. I’m rooting for you.
What do you think? Why do siblings grow apart? Let us know in the comments below!
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