This article was written by The Zillennial Zine’s spring editorial intern Eli Casas. Find them on Instagram at @elicasasnow. If you would like to share an article with The Zillennial, send us an email at thezillennialzine@gmail.com.
To this day, I can’t tell you how friendships work. I know both parties usually show up and love each other. There isn’t a formula you can follow to get the results you want. Sometimes, friendships fade after years and become nothingness. Truth be told, those hurt the most. I’ve lost friends I had for years. Later, I realized how I showed up in those friendships didn’t always feel authentic. I wasn’t being myself.
Friendships From The Past
The first time I had a best friend, I was around 15. She came from a home that always felt big in the ways that mattered. I’m talking about home-cooked meals and late-night conversations close to fire pits that often left me smelling like an overcooked steak.
I won’t use her name, but for the sake of this story, let’s call her Jane.
Jane was the ideal best friend anyone could ask for. She made everyone in our friend group feel seen.
If I could describe her using a movie scene, it’d be the one where Sam and Patrick dance at their homecoming dance to the song Come On Eileen. It’s an iconic movie scene from “The Perks Of Being A Wallflower.” There’s no other way I would describe how she carried herself.
You should know that Jane was kind. Sadly, after over half a decade of what seemed like endless Facetime calls, hour-long phone calls, parties we couldn’t remember, so many birthdays, shared laughs, and heartfelt moments, we drifted apart quickly, which made it less painful.
I would love to tell you that she was the first friend I lost, but she wasn’t. I lost a couple of friends because I could not connect with them authentically. At that time, there was no way for me to have known that I had been masking during most of the platonic relationships I had established. The diagnosis came later. The realizations came after.
The Realization
When I first received my diagnosis, it took me some time to truly comprehend why everything in my life suddenly made more sense than ever before. The biggest epiphany involved me looking back at all the friendships I struggled with in the past.
Aside from my long-term friendship with Jane, there were a few others I neglected due to needing space because I always found socializing a drag, only because it left me feeling drained every time.
No wonder I always had to plan things in increments that felt sustainable for my social capacity. I couldn’t find the words to explain how I felt every day because I did not know what I was enduring daily.
Why Forming Friendships Is Hard
That is a loaded question, but for individuals on the spectrum, it can all be explained through how neurodivergent people function. For example, I struggle to maintain eye contact, and aside from professional settings, I sometimes find it impossible, especially in overstimulating environments.
Most individuals on the spectrum find eye contact and reading body language difficult to embrace or understand. Therefore, befriending neurotypical individuals who feel differently and exist in the world differently can be challenging but not impossible!
According to the Help Guide, autistic individuals endure loneliness more compared to other individuals who are not on the spectrum. It has a lot to do with how they perceive others. Social cues are complicated to interpret. Additionally, interacting with others can lead to overthinking even minor details.
Making new friends is a task in itself. Picture this all taking place at once: trying to learn how someone else communicates, trying to compose yourself in new environments, and having to prepare yourself to anticipate changes—those are all very overstimulating variables.
However, there are ways to navigate how to make friends on the spectrum.
Making New Friends
Forming a bond with someone new isn’t necessarily science. You might feel it almost instantly if you like someone as a friend. Being yourself is the best way to form friendships. That way, you know people learn to love you for who you are.
Finding what you have in common is the easiest way to connect with others, regardless of whether you’re neurodivergent. This technique also helps you schedule hangouts that you can enjoy equally.
The problem isn’t so much finding people you have things in common with or that you like platonically but rather where to find those individuals. The National Autistic Society suggests gradually building up friendships by slowly frequenting new places you may feel comfortable in, as well as engaging in conversation, even small talk. By becoming a regular somewhere, you tend to form connections on different levels, which overall is great for socializing.
For example, if you decide to go to your favorite diner, let’s say every week, you will get to know the staff, and they will get to know you. This involves several instances where you can practice small talk and feel less pressure to read cues. I’m not saying this guarantees that you will find friends at your local diner, but you’ll gradually work on your socializing skills in small increments, which will come in handy later.
I have found that making new friends can come from different communities you may already be a part of, such as work, the gym, church, school, and other groups.
Don’t Panic!
Listen, I know making new friends is scary, but pushing them away isn’t going to make it less overwhelming. Instead of isolating yourself, try communicating to them how you’re feeling, whether you decide to make it personal or vague, whatever you feel most comfortable with. If you feel burnt out and need space, you can simply communicate those feelings to your friend. Something along the lines of, “Hey dude, I’m sorry I won’t be able to hang out this week, I’m feeling drained, but I will totally reach out soon” can go a long way.
Communication is literally one of the most essential qualities required in relationships. Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I tend to let those around me know that I don’t have the capacity to socialize, and they generally understand.
Lastly, don’t feel pressured to disclose your diagnosis to anyone unless you feel safe to do so.
Is learning how to make friends on the spectrum challenging? Let us know in the comments below.
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