This article was written by The Zillennial Zine’s spring editorial intern Jeanny Sánchez Gómez. Find them on Instagram at @jeanny_sanchez. If you would like to share an article with The Zillennial, send us an email at thezillennialzine@gmail.com.
Mother’s Day can be bittersweet for some and sometimes just hard to deal with. Strained relationships can cause a pit of anxiety as the day approaches, or coping with loss, there are a variety of reasons why it can be a difficult Mother’s Day. Still, it can be good to know that you are not alone in experiencing these complicated feelings.
For me, Mother’s Day has been a series of ups and downs over the past few years, either because of my own close personal relationships or because of those of my partner or close friends.
I didn’t even realize until recently that the first weekend of May is considered International Bereaved Mother’s Day for those who have lost their child, a day of grieving for these moms. Growing up, while Mother’s Day was always a joyful occasion to look forward to, there was a moment of silence as I saw my mom grieve for her miscarried baby. This happened years before me, so for me, it was normal to see my mom grieve her son and light up a candle, and sometimes add a placemat for him at the table when we all got together. It was and still is a sweet gesture that we do every year, and while I can’t speak for how it would feel to lose a child, I’ve seen it firsthand and know it can manifest in a lot of different ways. Whether it’s taking a moment, actively engaging with memories, or even trying to ignore them, everyone copes with loss differently, and I’m sure it’s only harder in this kind of instance.
On the flip side, losing a mom can make the day feel like the worst thing ever, and again, there’s no set way for someone to mourn their loss except by doing what’s best for them. Online there are so many videos of adults posting about how they handle going through Mother’s Day when they’ve lost theirs already. While a lot of the posts are beautiful and share sweet memories or some self-care tips, the TikTok below shows the journey of grief people feel when this happens.
A few years ago, on Mother’s Day, my grandmother passed away. At the time, my mom had only recently received her green card and had only just started to try to plan when she would travel to Mexico to see her mom and siblings after 20-plus years. That Mother’s Day was spent like any other year. We got up, got dressed, took my mom to her favorite breakfast spot, came home to open presents, and then started making phone calls to my grandmas to celebrate them as well. That year, my maternal grandma beat us to the phone and called first. She sounded so full of life and happy. She was making jokes and kept talking about how she was looking forward to seeing us all again soon. Now, we realize that it must have been one of those instances where the person knows their time is coming to an end and has one last good day.
Later my mom received a call from her brother letting her know that she had passed away. It was one of those moments where we had already been anticipating this happening, but the shock of it happening on Mother’s Day was heartbreaking for all of us.
When the year passed by and the holiday came around again, my mom didn’t want to celebrate as it marked it exactly a year of her mom’s passing. It was a really rough year, with my sister and I still wanting to do something for her, yet her wanting to do nothing with the day. As the years, have passed its been another placemat that my mom sets on the table with us now.
While loss is hard to deal with on Mother’s Day, it can also be difficult when you have or have had a strained relationship with your mom.
Recently on TikTok and as my partner had entered therapy, the topic of going no contact with a parent has been everywhere. For my partner, this situation came as they started unpacking their relationship with their mom with their therapists and kept getting recommended go no contact to help heal the relationship. As I kept seeing videos I thought that, many people experience no contact the way my partner has. Feeling like they’re a bad child, for setting boundaries and struggling with this newfound acceptance and perspective of what that relationship was.
For me, when I had no contact with my mom, it happened more as an extension of having no contact with my dad. For a long while, especially anytime Mother’s Day came around, I felt guilty for having no contact with her, but as my therapist kept helping me work through, there was a very minimal relationship between us, to begin with. Having a relationship where your mom hasn’t passed but isn’t present in your life, can bring up a lot of negative emotions that tend to fight with the idea of what a mother-child relationship is supposed to be. For me, it brought up so many feelings of resentment, anger, guilt, and a lot of mourning for the relationship that was supposed to be especially after seeing post after post of other people’s relationships with their mom.
As the years have passed, the relationship has changed and so have the feelings, which is something that probably has happened with anyone who has experienced a difficult relationship with their mom. For this upcoming Mother’s Day, I think this is a good reminder that no matter what the status of your relationship is, it’s nice to know that you’re not the only one struggling on this day. Whether it’s mourning someone who is gone or just being cut off from your life, do what you need to do to feel ok and make it through the day.
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