A state of being can be all over the place. What about positive states: a state of joy or ecstasy, or calmer states like relaxation, acceptance, or contentment? They come from being peaceful and from having a lack of conflict. This is an experience and the words and thoughts that arise from it. It is not a state of doing, but being. 

“Keeping your peace”

When you consistently prioritize “keeping the peace” over expressing your own needs, you’re engaging in a form of self-erasure. When you consistently do and not be in a safe space, things fall apart. A few major problems form: resentment builds, a false sense of security, loss of authenticity, etc.

A silent killer of intimacy and this peace can build up. Any time something is said that brings up those negative feelings and rejects the acceptance that should come into any relationship, a small touch of resentment is built. If this happens over and over, this creates a cycle where you feel hurt and confused. Over time, this negativity can build into deeper hate that can morph into bigger, more complex problems. Something built on avoiding conflict and avoiding that positive and calm state will slowly break down. In a healthy, thriving relationship, you should be able to feel safe enough to comfortably be yourself. If you are constantly suppressing your true feelings to “keep your peace,” you lose yourself. Other people around you know you as a fake version of yourself instead of knowing a version that is authentically living your life. 

What is the answer?

Advocating for yourself is the art of expressing your needs, thoughts, and feelings in a way that is respectful to both yourself and everyone around you. Start small and practice on very small issues that could potentially arise. Don’t wait for a major issue to come up. Use “I” statements instead of trying to track back personal feelings to the other person.

Acknowledge how they feel, acknowledge their perspective, and how their safe space could be affected. Hold your own space while holding theirs as well; it can slowly shift the dynamics between everyone involved. While keeping the peace can feel like the best option–the safest and most secure option– having a true place comes from honesty and a place of open communication. It comes from knowing the other person involved and how to show up as your authentic self. 

It becomes possible to grasp this experience by grabbing this peaceful feeling. Peace is both a state of being and doing. It creates something within you that carries you throughout every challenge and opportunity in life. While it is a choice, it can create distance between you and yourself, as well as you and others around you, if it is avoided. If you succumb to those negative emotions and states, it is easy for others to recognize that within you. If you succumb to them, it’s hard to slip away into something more relaxing. Next time you feel the urge to keep keeping your peace, ask yourself if this being state is worth having.

How will you start “keeping your peace”? Let us know in the comments!