There’s a pressure to be agreeable all the time. To smile, nod, say the socially acceptable thing, and keep all things controversial tucked safely away. But the more I’ve tried to avoid being disagreeable, the more I’ve realized that there’s a cost to being endlessly pleasant: eventually, you become a shadow of yourself. 

The profile of a people-pleaser

I recently finished up a work experience with an art gallery that sold artwork that, to be frank, wasn’t great artwork. Naturally, my opinions had to be suppressed while on the job, making it difficult to have real conversations over each art piece with any shred of enthusiasm or integrity. Every comment I made felt like an overcompensatory lie delivered with a high-pitched, squeaky voice and an unconvincing smile. 

“Isn’t it beautiful? The artist is from Saint Petersburg.” Now imagine a portrait of a labrador retriever dressed in an 18th century ballgown.

The situation reminded me of trying to dodge the increasingly controversial political issues my boyfriend’s grandparents have repeatedly insisted on throwing my way. In the moment, I clench my teeth, keep my hands folded, and desperately search for any escape route graciously offered by the powers that be. Of course, I wouldn’t want to be too combative or disagreeable. I wouldn’t dare have an opinion. But as I reach my mid-twenties, after feeling like I’ve been wearing a mask with a goofy, sheepish smile plastered across it all this time, I can’t help but wonder what life might look like if I finally showed up as myself. 

Looking back, some of the most interesting and memorable conversations I’ve had were with people over really strongly-held opinions that they had – or me sharing mine. And not just surface-level hot takes or shower thoughts, but something that had clearly been countlessly thought over and well-researched. Personally, I really could speak for hours on end about art. On what makes art good, what makes it bad. If “good” or “bad” are even helpful criteria to begin with. But once I’m in a position where I feel as though I need to say the right thing, not offend, people-please, my entire personality suddenly vanishes into thin air. 

And we’ve all encountered people like this ourselves. Remember the last time a new coworker started at your office? On their first day, it was almost as if they’d been pumped straight out of the new-employee factory, with all the perfect new-hire dialogue preprogrammed into their system. Of course, it was because they wanted to make a great first impression and not spark any doubts among the supervisors, but it sure made it awkward making small talk with them in those early days. 

I’ve noticed that so many people live their lives this way – especially young adults who haven’t fully come into their own identities yet. It’s as though we’re too afraid to say something honest, something that might actually reveal who we are or what we really think and feel. We live our lives permanently stuck in “new coworker” mode, sacrificing being interesting or smart or funny for what? The hope of being liked? Or, at the very least, not being disliked? And along the way, we become like ghosts, haunting the halls of our own lives.

Being interesting requires being yourself 

At some point, we were taught to be afraid of sharing really pointed thoughts or opinions. Either directly or indirectly, we learned that opinions were isolating or problematic. For those of us who grew up with the Sims, I remember feeling as though I could see the relationship bar decay in real time whenever I brought up something a little too contentious. But how do you even begin to build real, substantial relationships if you don’t start being honest with people? Opinions give people something to respond to. Opinions can challenge. Opinions can make people laugh or bond people together. Opinions are great communication tools! And the best part is, the scary opinions, the ones we’re all afraid of, are big red warning flags once spoken aloud, which is why we should all start being honest and sharing our opinions more freely. 

And you know what: I hate goofy pet portraits, I absolutely did not vote for the same candidates as my boyfriend’s grandparents, and I was really nervous on my last first day of work but I’m really excited to be where I am! And I’m going to own those thoughts going forward. Being an opinionated person means having a strong sense of personal identity. It means being attuned to your feelings and values while also having a clear understanding of how you experience the world around you. So take captive those shower thoughts! Think about them a little longer. Be well-researched, well-read, politically informed. Stay up to date on the arts, on culture, on celebrity life, on your friends and family. And please, for the love of all that’s interesting, have an opinion!

How will you be more opinionated? Let us know!