If you had a wedding coming up in the next few months, like any good wedding guest, you’d probably brush up on wedding dress codes before buying an outfit. I was recently invited to a wedding with a formal dress code, and after falling short of the formality standard at my very first wedding as a young adult, I’m much more careful about following dress codes these days. So I did a bit of googling, looked at some examples, and read through some forums of do’s and don’ts. Don’t wear anything too bridal. Don’t wear white. Don’t wear any colors close to white. Don’t wear anything too sexy, too low cut, too figure-hugging. Don’t accidentally match the bridesmaids. And finally, do not, by any circumstances, outshine the bride. 

These are all very reasonable things to ask of your guests. In Western weddings, the bride is traditionally the star of the show, and the dress code is one of the ways guests can show respect for the newlyweds. It would be bad etiquette to wear something that visually competed with the bride, whether that meant looking like you were a part of the bridal party or looking like the bride herself. 

When The Dress Starts Talking

But in my dress code deep dive, I found an extensive list of wedding attire taboos that were far from intuitive. For example, I had only recently learned that wearing red to a wedding was considered offensive. I assumed that the reason was related to certain South Asian cultures traditionally having red as the standard of bridal wear, but it turns out that there is an entire index of semiotics behind what wearing certain colors as a female wedding guest means. According to an urban legend or wedding gossip amongst elders, wearing red is supposed to indicate that you’ve slept with the groom. And not only did you sleep with the groom, but you wanted the entire guest list to know about it. 

Red is sexy. Red is naughty. Red is entirely inappropriate for a wedding. For women in particular, the color carries a whole host of assumptions about sexuality, flirtation, and social mischief, baggage that we carry with us simply by virtue of being women. And red isn’t the only color off the table. Similarly, wearing black is just as taboo and for the same reason. Wearing black – as a woman, of course – signals to the couple that you “mourn” their wedding. You don’t approve their marriage and feel the need to send out subliminals with color coding. 

Beyond the Dress

For some of you, this might be the first time you’ve heard of these fashion faux pas. I mean, when was the last time you used your outfit to send passive aggressive signals at a party? Probably never. 

The more I look into these rules, the more they start to feel like an exercise in policing women’s intentions. A woman doesn’t just wear red. She seduces. She makes sexual provocations. Wearing black is a passive aggressive and catty way to announce her disapproval. Even the idea of “outshining the bride” carries a competitive undertone, as though female guests are just waiting for an opportunity to steal the spotlight.

Behind these traditional dress codes is an out-dated caricature of malicious, jealous, sexually opportunistic gossips.Most women, thankfully, are not walking into weddings with a plot to ruin the event for the bride. Maybe it’s time were tire the rules that assume they are.

Do you think wedding dress code etiquette is misogynistic? Let us know your thoughts in the comments!