This article was written by The Zillennial Zine’s summer editorial intern Connor Hanrahan. Find him on Instagram at @hannerhansmh. If you would like to share an article with The Zillennial, send us an email at thezillennialzine@gmail.com.
Mental health has never been more of a focal point in our society than it is today. Roughly 4% of the world population are affected by clinical depression and another 4% are affected by some degree of anxiety and while this mostly comes down to brain chemistry and hormone levels, perception also plays a key role in our happiness. Viewing something as “good” can excite us beyond belief while viewing something as “bad” can completely tank our motivation and hurl us into a downward emotional spiral. Despite this, the nature of these concepts is based solely on our interpretation of external stimuli: something we can’t control. Yet our reaction is something that, to a degree, we can control no matter how difficult. Today we are going to explore the age-old question: are ‘good’ and ‘bad’ subjective?
Subjectivity
The short answer is yes. Yes they are. Objectively, there is no good or bad because humankind created both of those concepts to describe conveniences and inconveniences. For example, at the beginning of spoken language, the neighboring opposing tribe may have been viewed as bad because they’d pillage and usurp. Both of which were inconveniences and threats. A bountiful harvest, on the other hand, would have been viewed as good because it promised food for our tribe and survival for yet another year.
Naturally, both of these descriptors were associated with the negative and positive feelings that came with these scenarios. For example, one would get anxious if they heard rustling in the bushes near their shelter. This is a survival response because your brain perceives there may be something you’d perceive as bad lurking in the shadows. On the other end of the spectrum, if you wake up and notice that the corn crops you’d planted a week ago have begun sprouting because of the rain that fell, you would feel relief and joy that the hard work you put into survival has paid off.
Enough with the early civilization references, let’s cook in real time.
Interpretation of Those Emotions and Pavlov
The feeling one gets when presented with external stimuli is completely up to them, whether it be innate or after months (or even years) of training. Look at Pavlov’s dog for example. After months of Pavlov ringing a bell when giving his god food, the dog associated the bell with food. The dog would salivate when anticipating food. Eventually, the food wasn’t necessary and the dog would begin salivating at the sound of the bell.
This is possible to do with your own mind.
Ever heard of the phrase: “Fake it til you make it”? It’s a blatant generalization that doesn’t apply here literally, but it presents the gist.
Every presentation of an external stimulus presents an opportunity to program the way your brain interprets it. Let me give yet another example. Let’s say I cannot stand the musical artist, Lorde. Everytime I hear her music, I want to turn the volume all the way down. But, my girlfriend loves Lorde and I want to acclimate to her musical tastes, so I start begrudgingly listening to Lorde. If everytime I hear Lorde, I put on a smile and consciously try to vibe to her music, eventually, I’ll begin to not necessarily like it, but stop resenting it to the capacity I did before. Does this make sense?
This same principle applies to athletes and failures. Pitchers in baseball give up hundreds of home runs before they become really good at their craft because they observe what they did wrong, remember it, and actively try to avoid doing that in the way that best works for them.
This also applies to job interviews. Very few people go into their first job interview and do a fantastic job, yet many go into their 10th and do a much better job than they did their first. This is because they analyzed their failure without resentment and kept what they did well, and figured out a different way of doing what they did poorly. The key here being, “without resentment”.
Learning to Appreciate Failure
There is no learning without failure. If we did everything right all the time, nobody would learn anything about anything and we as a species would be in the same spot we were when we first emerged.
All those tests we didn’t do as we hoped we would through school and all those tasks we failed so miserably were all in preparation for succeeding the next time we did them. Failure is the key to success, the same way an objective and emotionally neutral interpretation of any real life scenario is the key to happiness.
For example, I failed my driver’s exam the first time around because some clown (he was a jogger, not a clown) stepped into the crosswalk before I had passed fully through it and the proctor failed me on the spot. I cried all the way home and coped for hours. However, that one experience didn’t make me hate driving, nor did I hate the instructor for it. It was simply a thing that happened. A thing that would not dissuade me from working to get my license. Two weeks passed and I was able to take the test again and I aced it because that clown (jogger) wasn’t around and I remembered everything I did correctly the first time while also remaining hypervigilant of any pedestrians walking where I drove.
Failure is an opportunity to improve for next time, and nothing else. No emotion necessary.
‘What Is’ and ‘What Isn’t’
Figuratively, there are only categories in life: ‘what is’ and ‘what isn’t’.
‘What is’ is simply the things that literally are. For example, your car ‘is’, your job ‘is’, and you yourself ‘are’. Everything else ‘isn’t’, or at least isn’t yet. The car you want ‘isn’t’, the job you want but don’t have yet ‘isn’t, and unfortunately your childhood pet that passed away years ago ‘isn’t’ (even though they used to be). When we remove ‘good’ and ‘bad’ from our train of thought and simply perceive what is, what is yet to be, and what isn’t, it becomes much easier to separate our mentality from what is bad, because the concept of bad is a construct that only lives within our brains. Nothing is inherently bad and nothing is inherently good. Things simply are or they aren’t.
This is by no means a reason to separate yourself from what isn’t. This line of thinking only exists to help view things with more objectivity, removing stigma and connotation from your perspective and enabling you to view things as they are rather than how they feel.
But, let’s not get carried away… Feelings very much ‘are’ because no matter what, we feel them. There is not a single person on Earth that goes without emotion and we all know that. I’m just saying that not everything that ‘is’, that doesn’t benefit you directly, deserves to be viewed through a ‘good/bad’ lens.
This is confusing so let me give my 7th, 8th, 9th and 10th example.
7. If you get fired for being drunk at work. This isn’t bad, it’s simply the perfect opportunity for you to get your alcoholism under control. Your alcoholism ‘is’ and now your job that you rely on for income ‘isn’t’ because of your poor choice. This is a learning opportunity to be appreciated.
8. You crashed your car because you were texting your partner. Now it’s totaled, you’re without a car, and your insurance rate is hiked. This isn’t bad. You’re ok, you’ve learned to not text and drive, your partner is happy you’re ok and this is a perfect opportunity for you to improve and have a better future.
9. Your best friend of 6 years sleeps with your partner after they run into each other at a bar while out one night while you’re at home with the flu. This isn’t bad. It is a perfect opportunity for you to eject both of the scum stains out of your life and look at their behavior, recognize which aspects of their personalities you want to avoid when finding loved ones in the future, and surround yourself with better people. This painful experience simply ‘is’ and now because you’ve used it as a learning opportunity, they now aren’t a part of your life.
10. Your grandma passed away a week ago and your entire family is upset because of the focal role she played in your family’s dynamic and get togethers. This is bad. You and your loved ones lives will never be the same without her and not a day goes by where you don’t miss her.
There is Always a Line to be Drawn
Just like with everything in life, some things supersede any sort of intellect or resolution and I’ve found that no matter how hard you try, there is no way to look past or properly stomach the loss of someone you love. Whether it be the family dog, whether it be your grandma, or whether it be a best friend, it is going to hurt and you should make sure to remember them and what they brought to your life forever.
There is a stark difference between interpreting daily struggles without emotion and trying to force yourself to look past the things you love. Love is an emotion that isn’t good or bad, and it most definitely ‘is’. As long as we live, love always ‘will be’. Always remember love no matter what situation you find yourself in. There is never a bad time to remember those who love you, those you love, and those who you shared a special emotional bond with, regardless of whether they currently ‘are’ or ‘aren’t’, because they helped build the person you are today.
This applies even if you resent or hate them.
Resentment and Hate
Resentment and hate both stem from love. They’re representative of love that ‘was’; love that was so strong that the fact that it now ‘isn’t’ pains you deep down. Resentment and hate are both love that is viewed as bad. This is where it is most crucial to view love as what ‘is’ and ‘isn’t’.
Resentment and hate are the two most toxic emotions on Earth and it’s important to avoid them at all costs. The feelings may be there, but if there was ever a time to focus on what ‘is’ and ‘isn’t’ and not on what’s ‘good’ and ‘bad’, this is it. It’ll take months, heck, maybe even years to see in a neutral or positive light, but overcoming these feelings will improve your life forever and once you do it once, it will be exponentially easier the next time around.
These two feelings can consume an entire lifetime. We all know people who wallow in their sorrows, grief, and anger who go static in life. They stop making any effort to improve what they can, where they can, and they accept that the pain they’re in is forever, even though it wouldn’t be if they tried to make it so.
Pain absolutely ‘is’ but the only person who can turn pain that ‘is’ into pain that ‘was’ is yourself.
Context
TLDR: This line of thinking changed the course of my life.
All my life I’ve been a depressed ball of anxiety that prevented me from going out and appreciating my youth for what it was and having a good time. I stayed home, operated within my comfort zone every single day and never did anything worthwhile with my time. Eventually I met one of my BFFs who encouraged me to get out more and only then did I realize that my depression didn’t exist. I was just super duper anxious about how I never went and did anything.
Eventually, I went out and met people and opened up to my surroundings. The new interactions and all the aspects of socializing got the best of me and my anxiety quickly manifested as intense social anxiety and self consciousness so bad that it bordered insecurity. This is when I realized that I needed a change of mindset. Anxiety medication made me feel bad on the inside both physically and mentally, so I quit meds and started trying to view things as what they ‘are’ and ‘aren’t’.
This made all the difference.
Eventually I realized that my self consciousness and anxiety weren’t justified in the slightest and I was simply manifesting the anxiety within myself. Nobody was ever gonna judge me for how I looked. Nobody was ever gonna treat me differently because I wore board shorts everywhere. Nobody was ever gonna hate me because of who I was.
I was the only person doing any of these things and they were all in my head.
My hyperfixation on what I deemed ‘good’ and ‘bad’ about myself was all in my head and nobody else’s.
Shortly after, I decided to start applying this trick to the world around me. Immediately I found that it helped my mentality playing my favorite sport, disc golf. I was already professional at the time but noticed my game improved a ton when I got my mental game under control. Bogeys became lessons, not the bane of my existence.
I also applied it to relationships and understood that everything that made me upset was simply an opportunity to learn something about myself. I applied it to everything I ever put effort into and learned lessons I could’ve never learned otherwise. I learned that the career path that I chose during the height of my anxiety wasn’t the right one for me, that my ex-girlfriend was not the person that I thought she was, and that a lot of the things I was worried about were actually red herrings that were wasting my time.
I don’t believe that viewing life through an objective lens will fix anxiety or depression. It won’t. It hasn’t fixed mine. But it will settle your mind, ensure that you aren’t using your emotional energy on things that don’t matter, and help you focus on how you can improve your life one tiny life lesson at a time.
What do you think? I’ve never written an article like this but it was important to me that I share the thoughts that changed my life forever with people who may be interested in hearing it. I hope you have a great day 🙂
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