This article was written by The Zillennial Zine’s summer editorial intern Connor Hanrahan. Find him on Instagram at @hannerhansmh. If you would like to share an article with The Zillennial, send us an email at thezillennialzine@gmail.com.
First dates are really something else. Not many situations in life present us with as much uncertainty as the initial phase of courtship. Your date could very well be amazing and the love of your life… Or they could just as easily be awful and you block their number immediately after your goodbyes. We all try to avoid the latter but unless you’re among the luckiest people on Earth, you can’t help but fail a few times first.
Failure is natural, and as long as you’re learning from it, it’s really not a failure at all. The key is to recognize the red flags as they appear and address them properly. Today we’re going to take a look at some common red flags anyone could encounter on dates.
Narcissism
Have you ever talked with somebody and done such a good job holding conversation but at every turn they make it about them? It makes it impossible to get a better understanding of their values and who they are as a person outside of what they think about themselves. In some instances, it also makes it difficult to get a word in edgewise.
Communication aside, narcissists also have an increased likelihood of hurting you because they always prioritize their immediate interests. They’ll throw you under the bus, they’ll lie if it suits them, they’ll manipulate, and they’ll always put themselves before you.
Alternatively, I’ve met narcissists who think of their partner’s wellbeing as a reflection of their presence in the partner’s life. This means that they’ll do everything in their power to keep their partner happy and afloat in life because seeing their partner happy is like looking in the mirror at their own happiness. It’s a funny anomaly but I’ve watched it for about a decade now in one of my best friends.
Getting Really Drunk
If someone isn’t willing to tone down their drinking for a first impression, they are likely to not tone it down for any occasion. Alcoholism comes in all shapes and forms and people who “black out” every time they go out are usually the ones to wake up in bushes or go home with people even when they have someone at home.
Substance abuse can be cheeky and cute when younger, but when someone can’t get their life together in their mid 30s because of their drinking and partying habits, you will be left regretting your pursuit of them.
“Sorry, I Was Drunk”
This one will be pretty short, but there are very few redder flags than someone blaming their actions on alcohol. Sure, alcohol loosens one’s grip on reality and morality, but it is no excuse for poor behavior.
There is this stigma around drinking where people are allowed to get sloppier than they would otherwise and this is definitely something to keep an eye on. You can face a world of hurt if you put faith in someone who starts flirting with other people when they drink. Even worse are people who get angry when drunk.
Anger
You can tell a lot about a person by how they treat service workers or people who have minorly inconvenienced them. There’s a stark difference between being stern when you were expecting good service and being a total dick to someone because you’re upset.
This is another one of those traits that can be exacerbated by alcohol. If you’re on a date with someone who bumps into a stranger at a bar and creates a confrontation, just leave. Immediately resorting to violence after very little stimulus is a top tier scumbag move. It also professes to others that you are quick to anger and are unable to moderate your emotions.
No Similar Interests
A dichotomy in interests is far down the list of red flags because it can be so easy to ignore if you like their personality. However, ignoring it could come to bite you in the long run because once the butterflies of the honeymoon period wane, you’re left with nothing but your emotional connection and your passions.
If you are both willing to give each others’ interests a chance and try to make them yours, it could work, but this is obviously only something that comes into play further down the line.
Keeps in Contact with Their Exes
Having a roster when they’re single is one thing, but having it when they’re dating is a terrible sign. On one hand it shows they have very little grasp on what’s good for them and on the other hand it shows that no matter what happens between you two, they’re going to maintain a relationship with people they’ve been with.
These people usually emotionally cheat, lie, and purport the truth without living up to it.
Disrespect of Boundaries
There is nothing worse than when you say no to something and the other person keeps attempting to goad you into it. This can be a sign of manipulation and can also represent their lack of understanding of social cues.
The word ‘no’ is taken more seriously now than it ever has been before and everyone should respect that, especially in the dating world. There is a whole slough of problems that can stem from an inability to take no for an answer and I won’t get into those, but I think we all know what they are.
Trauma Dumping
Trauma dumping is a tough one because there is a very fine line between just contributing to a conversation about your guys’ struggles and full on offloading all their issues onto you.
Some people will try and use this as a technique to garner sympathy from the recipient and typically if they want sympathy, it’s because they enjoy playing the victim card. This is not a behavior pattern that is healthy to associate yourself with and I would never wish this on anyone.
These people will never take responsibility for their actions because they feel that they’re permanently wronged by everything and everyone. While it may be easy to feel badly for them, remember that they don’t need you to feel bad for them, they need therapy.
What do you think? Did I miss anything? There are so many different red flags for everyone to avoid on dates but I just tried to include universal ones, rather than including ones that applied to me specifically. Let us know yours in the comments below!
Leave a Reply