This article was written by The Zillennial Zine’s senior fall editorial intern Arianna Nahim. Find her on Instagram at @ariannanahim. If you would like to share an article with The Zillennial, send us an email at thezillennialzine@gmail.com.
When I was entering college, one of the aspects I was most excited about was living with friends. I mean, come on, no parents, you do whatever you want, and your friends are within the same four walls as you? It sounds like every day is a sleepover. Even before I came close to moving into college, I was always fantasizing about living in my chic apartment with long-time friends with who I’d navigate young adult life amidst classically youthful and zany scenarios. And while I don’t think that is entirely absent from this experience, it’s certainly not as idealist as I imagined it to be. In fact, if you were to ask me what exactly is not as romantic as I imagined it to be, it would be the situation of a roommate, specifically living with your friends.
Now, it’s not this awful thing. However, I do think there is a particular misguided idea that many go into this phase of life with. Sure, you love your friends, and just about every piece of media contains a pair of roommates who are just best friends. The list goes on: Monica and Rachel, Marshall and Ted, Nick, Schmidt, and Winston. While these show audiences delight in and revel in co-dependent yet simultaneously healthy relationships, this isn’t how it goes mostly because, sadly, life is not a sitcom. Personally, I do live with my best friend. However, I think it only works so well because of our strong communication skills even before we moved in together. I appreciate this relationship even more because I have had roommate situations where that is not the case. In my opinion, becoming roommates with a friend without weighing your chances is the easiest way to lose that friendship.
What’s The Issue?
So what’s the issue? Well, for starters, that question alone is probably more confrontational than most friends want to be with each other. And that’s normal. With your friends, there is an energy between you all that is almost like a sparse campfire that must be carefully attended to in order to remain warm. But there lies the main issue. If you are not ready to speak to your friend about something that is bothering you regarding the living situation, you can’t live with them. But if you insist on living with a friend and famously have the issue of confronting an uncomfortable situation, some advice I find helpful is having an awkward rule. It’s basically where you acknowledge that the confrontation will be awkward. But if a roommate issue is weighing on your mind, you need to clear your conscience within 24-48 hours. What makes a policy like this so great is that, more often than less, friends who are also roommates bud heads because they allow tensions and issues to fester and marinate until they cannot stand each other.
Giving Friends A Pass
The next issue is a bit connected to the first one. Because of the affection and history we often share with our friends, we are usually more inclined to let some things go. And with some things comes more and more stuff we let slide with each other. As time goes on and as we continue to drop situations we would typically talk out, the living situation can feel more like a task than something that can be beneficial and enjoyable. But most importantly, you shouldn’t feel like you are avoiding anything in your own home.
A Strong Foundation
Another issue I think many don’t think about is the foundation of your friendship before moving in together. Maybe this is a friend you have only been able to get to know on a surface level. Or perhaps this is a friend you often disagree with without living with them. In both cases, living together could bring you closer, but if not, you will drive away. I’ve also noticed that friendships that end because of living situations usually cannot be mended after the fact. You just cannot build a home on a shaky foundation.
Home is a sacred place of solace and a place to let one’s guard down. When individuals have to be uncomfortable and constantly keep their guard up, they burn out faster than in an ordinary disagreement with a friend, leaving both parties drained and ready to part ways for good. Unfortunately, not all friendships are built to last through the pressures of close living quarters, especially with the backdrop being a stressful college setting or early adult life. It may be scary to come to terms with the fact that maybe you shouldn’t be roommates with your current friends. It’s especially understandable to have that fear since it’s scary to put yourself out there in a living situation. But if you instead welcome new roommates, you can open yourself up to healthy roommate relationships that could blossom into solid friendships, opening up your circle even more.
What do you think? Is living with friends a good ideas? Let us know what you think in the comments below!
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