This article was written by The Zillennial Zine’s senior fall editorial intern Arianna Nahim. Find her on Instagram at @ariannanahim. If you would like to share an article with The Zillennial, send us an email at thezillennialzine@gmail.com.
I once heard that you were the average of all your friends. To me this is just another way of saying, “Bird of a feather flock together.” And why wouldn’t we? We’re human, and it’s only human to congregate with the people you see yourself most in. There’s a comfort in that I think, and who doesn’t love familiarity? It’s a powerful, yet delicate thing, friendship. It’s not like familial ties, there isn’t blood bounding you two at play. But it’s not quite like romantic ties either, those are a bit like an exchange to me, “You check a specific set of boxes, so you can stay.” There’s also a sense of obligation more evident in these ties. “They’re your (whatever relative) you have to call,” “They’re your partner you have to talk to them every day!” With friends the relationship is completely rooted in choice, which in my opinion has always made them especially sentimental. With so many things going on in our worlds, especially in the ever-changing phases of young adulthood, there are still people who we choose to put our love towards for no other reason than because we want to.
This is what makes separating with friends a particularly painful experience. Once there was a dynamic and the next day it’s just gone. It’s also odd because it’s not something you grieve in a way you’d grieve a romantic relationship, but there’s still feelings attached to that separation. However, some people, and I’m guilty of this too, chose to avoid the dreaded situation. It can be daunting really. In some cases, choosing to part ways with a friend may disrupt other parts of our social life and even identity. However, the way I see it, the longer you stay on the wrong train, the more expensive it will be to get back to where you belong.
Naturally Growing Apart
As we experience the trials and tribulations of youth, we not only come of age with ourselves, but surrounded by people we’ve chosen to ride the roller coaster of youth with. Sometimes though, it’s time to switch rides, even when we may think we’re having fun or even really are. By staying on one ride for too long we’ll make ourselves sick or might stop liking the ride all together. All this to say, in this slightly long-winded metaphor, there are times when you have to step back and ask yourself: Is it time to move on?
With life comes many phases, and sometimes there are people in your life who just don’t align with who you are or who you want to be. Life is all about growing and we only delay that inevitable growth when we let those who hold us back from that growth. After you’ve spent time with a friend(s) you should leave that interaction with a comforting warmth in your chest. If you’re leaving feeling worse, stagnant, or any kind of negative feeling it’s time to walk away. In a way, a natural drift is one of the better endings. A messy separation usually means the friendship doesn’t have a good chance of being revived. But if you come to it with a place of understanding, perhaps it is possible for you to reconnect with the people who were once in your life at a different time.
The Infamous Friendship Breakups
In most individuals’ lives they will go through a massive falling out with a usually very good friend(s). A big argument erupts, one party may have been wronged, or even all parties involved may feel they were wronged. At the end of the day, no matter how much we love our friends they’re also human beings, and we shouldn’t expect perfection from them. Unfortunately, we will be wronged, mostly by the people we consider close to us.
After a relationship ending conflict with someone you may begin to dwell on the past. Perhaps, you’ll even think about going back to them. If it was a conflict where both sides can come to an understanding with each other, then in some cases what we think was relationship ending really grows the friendship.
However, if this isn’t the case, and you had to leave a situation where you weren’t being respected: Don’t look back. Don’t give into nostalgia, nostalgia is a pair of rose-colored frames designed to make you forget why you’ve moved on. Our lives are too short to be around anyone who doesn’t value us in a way we deserve.
A separation from friends is an unfortunate, but inevitable part of life. If you can feel in your gut, then it’s always best to just move on. When something falls apart, there are always better things waiting for you on the other side. Earlier I said friendship is rooted in choice. So, choose the people who regularly choose you, choosing to respect and value you. In the end, this starts the moment you choose yourself.
Have you ever been through a friendship breakup? How did you get through it?
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