This article was written by The Zillennial Zine’s spring editorial intern Eli Casas. Find them on Instagram at @elicasasnow. If you would like to share an article with The Zillennial, send us an email at thezillennialzine@gmail.com.
About 15% of individuals in the US are on the spectrum. By definition, spectrum means to classify something within a wide range, but personally, as someone experiencing life as neurodivergent I would tell you that it’s essentially living in a place that is not built for people like me to succeed, everything around me is built for neurotypical individuals. Everything I find challenging is usually required of me every day. For years I coped with those barriers by hiding my emotions. After nearly two decades I finally burned out completely. Yet today I am here to tell you that I found ways to paint the world for me, with all the colors that spoke volumes to my existence.
First recollection
My first recollection of being on the spectrum goes as far back as the first grade. I remember my parents had just divorced and I was embarking on a new journey of my own. New classmates, new materials, new everything. The most overwhelming though, were the unfamiliar feelings I was experiencing constantly. At the time, I was too young to understand that not everyone around me felt like that, I was struggling to socialize, concentrate, and communicate effectively.
I would have asked for help if I had known more about myself but I was unconsciously taught how to mask everything about me at a young age. Masking is when you conceal or hide something but it can also mean you do it for protection, in this case, I was sparing myself from any ridicule.
When I was stimming too hard, I learned that it was important to redirect my emotions, because if I didn’t the world would perceive me as unable to control myself. Later, I learned that withholding information from doctors was the best way to stay safe to not be labeled as mentally ill. So, I just kept learning all the wrong things from people around me who probably saw the signs but, wanted me to learn to be like them, neurotypical and all.
Receiving all that misinformation from individuals I admired, and thought were guiding me in the right direction, led me down a path of hiding the most authentic parts of me.
Masking
For nearly two decades I carried the weight of the world deep within the facade I created of being neurotypical. I became particularly good at reading patterns, learning cues, and controlling my mannerisms. If it weren’t for the change of tune after graduating high school, I could probably have continued to successfully hide everything I was feeling inside.
As someone on the spectrum routines work well for me, I thrive in them. Can you imagine how I felt going from 12 years of straight up routine to having to figure it all out on my own? It was pretty terrifying. I longer had my schedule planned out for me, there were no rules, and the possibilities became endless.
There I was sitting in my first community college class, lost. I had to figure out when to study, when to eat, and when to do pretty much everything in my life. It sucked.
Then I got hired at a retail store, my first official job, it was exciting! I was thriving in my new routine and suddenly everything seemed manageable again. Well, mostly everything, except college, I dropped out.
Several retail careers and one pandemic later, I forgot how to mask. Turns out masking is like everything else in life, if you stop doing it you might forget how to. During the lockdown I was home most of the time which meant I didn’t have to pretend to be someone else in front of anyone for awhile. I even went back to community college and found a way to thrive, turns out online learning took away all the intimidating factors of higher education.
Fast forward to when the pandemic mandates changed and in person learning came back, I was thriving so hard I found myself at a four-year university. The first semester was okay because most professors were accommodating but when the second semester rolled around, I was struggling just like the first day in community college.
Burnout
Those almost 20-something years of masking, all the pent-up stimming, the repressed emotions, and bottled-up feelings of being overstimulated led to the biggest burnout of my life. I felt the exhaustion within every inch of my existence, there was nowhere left to hide, no space to mirror other people, no capacity to make eye contact, and being alive in this state felt unbearable.
Fortunately, my therapist helped me understand why I had felt this way my entire life. Yes, the burnout was the biggest I had ever encountered but without it, I would have not sought help, gotten the resources I profoundly needed, or learned to love myself for who I have always been. Masking helped me in some ways but long-term it affected me deeply.
Tools in my Kit
Now having processed all those emotions I use different coping mechanism to accommodate my everyday needs. For instance, I am now able to ask my employers for certain accommodation to help me succeed and prevent burnout. In a learning environment such as a university there are tools provided to students such as assistance with note taking, counseling sessions, extended time for exams, and additional breaks as needed.
Feeling overstimulated in general can be frustrating that’s why I have different gadgets to help me process those feelings among them: noise-canceling headphones, loop earplugs, grounding techniques, and fidget toys.
I no longer ask myself “Why do I hide my emotions?” instead I know who I am. Having a support system through this process has made it less overwhelming. Full disclosure at first it felt unreal and like nothing I had ever experienced before. If you are reading this right now and have recently been diagnosed just know it takes time to find your beat but when you find it’s like finally feeling seen as yourself, no mask just you.
Do you ever ask yourself “Why do I hide my emotions?” Feel free to share your experience with us in the comments below.
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