This article was written by The Zillennial Zine’s spring editorial intern Lindsay Daneen. Find her on Instagram at @_lindsay_daneen. If you would like to share an article with The Zillennial, send us an email at thezillennialzine@gmail.com.
Is it me or have you noticed that society is starting to embrace atypical marriage practices more? From open marriages to living separately we seem to be more open to these types of discussions. This revelation was brought on by a recent statement made by Abbott Elementary’s Sheryl Lee Ralph about her own marriage. She revealed that she and her husband of 20 years have lived apart for their entire marriage and it has worked out beautifully. This came as quite a shock to many, and I understand why. But maybe there’s something to learn here. Maybe married couples with separate bedrooms know something that we don’t. Let’s delve into it.
Why Is This Weird To Us?
Let us first look inward. Why do we, both individually and as a society, take issue with this? Why is this so weird for us? I think our feelings toward unconventional marriage practices are the result of two things. One reason has a lot to do with the fact that until recent years, we have not been told the truth by our married elders. Think about it. When it comes to the true dynamics of marriages and what makes them work, not all our grandparents and parents were completely truthful. Relationship questions were taboo and private to older generations. Their relationships seemed perfect on the outside. That’s why many of us blindly state that we want marriages like theirs. But their relationships were not all marriage goals. Many of them could have benefited from these unconventional practices instead of forcing the more traditional ways of doing things.
The second reason I believe we have an issue with these practices is because we’ve been taught that there is only one way to love someone. Apparently, there is no room for modifications or trying new things. I don’t believe that sleeping in the same room as someone every night makes you a good match. I also don’t believe that sleeping separately means you love your spouse any less. Why do we act like it does? It’s probably because we’re taught that marriage is only real if you live and sleep in the same bed and spend every moment together.
Compromise
Unions are about compromising. We all have expectations and dreams about how our marriages will work. But sometimes understanding what your partner needs to be the best partner to you is more important than having the marriage that you always imagined. Of course, there are exceptions and boundaries are important. But if the love of your life feels that sleeping in a different bed, room, or house will benefit your marriage, why not try it out?
Something else that the actress mentioned is that their careers took them to different coasts, He is a Philadelphia politician while she is a Hollywood actress. They both have amazing careers and refused to give them up. Some people may think they needed to compromise. But that’s exactly what they did! Theirs just looks a little different. Instead of compromising their careers they restructured their marriage. That should be applauded!
Different Sleeping Habits/ Patterns
I think it’s important to discuss some innocent yet reasonable motives for why spouses may sleep in different places. Some people snore so loudly that it interrupts their spouse’s sleep. Others suffer from severe flatulence. I know, right? Very unpleasant. Oh, and have you ever tried to set the room temperature for someone who typically runs hot while the other is always cold? It’s a nightmare! Some people have night terrors or talk in their sleep. And honestly some people just thoroughly enjoy sleeping solo. All valid reasons to separate when night falls. A good spouse wouldn’t want you to lose out on good sleep just because they want to be close to you.
If It Works, It Works
Have you ever heard the saying, “If you like it, I love it.?” Well, if not it means that if something works for you, then great! I support you! We need to do a better job of accepting the fact that we all do things differently. We desire different things, and our tolerance levels differ. Why it so hard to believe that this is a healthy way of life for some even if it isn’t for us? If it works for you and you are genuinely happy, who are we to say you are doing it incorrectly.
Is this The Future of Relationships?
We’re being more honest with ourselves and the people around us. We are becoming more in tune with what we need out of our relationships. And we’re being transparent about what we want. For some of us that means we need to sleep in separate beds. For others it means that they need their own homes. The list goes on. We’re also more open-minded these days. Can you imagine what people would have thought about an arrangement like this over 60 years ago? There would surely be some judgmental looks coming your way. Now we have too many options and too much information to be held back by traditional marital norms. Who needs ‘em? So yes, I believe that as we become more evolved and accepting of different ways of life, more marriages will start to embrace these practices.
The Big Picture
We all know that marriages require the basics, love, respect, tolerance, etc. But I think it’s time to acknowledge that they may also require us to switch it up some. A successful marriage is not about where you sleep. It’s about focusing on what matters to you as a couple and finding a way to satisfy both people. If your marriage can be saved from doom by turning the basement into an additional bedroom, you should do it. If you get a job offer that you can’t pass up without compromising apart of yourself, a bicoastal arrangement may be just what you and your spouse need. It’s something to consider as you think of the bigger picture of your union.
I challenge you to look at your own marriage. Maybe there’s something that you do because it’s traditional and it’s not your favorite thing to do or it’s not working for you. Take baby steps and seriously consider your options. Marriage doesn’t have to be so vanilla. So, the controversial question still stands. Do married couples with separate bedrooms really know what they’re doing? Possibly! I mean, after all, Sheryl Lee Ralph and her husband have been married for 20 years. That must count for something.
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