This article was written by The Zillennial Zine’s summer editorial intern Connor Hanrahan. Find him on Instagram at @hannerhansmh. If you would like to share an article with The Zillennial, send us an email at thezillennialzine@gmail.com.
Friendships can be a touchy matter. Some can last a lifetime while remaining fruitful to all parties involved and others can quite literally ruin lives. Some can burn bright and die quickly and some others will never seem like much from an outside point of view but last forever. Today, we are not going to be focusing on these fruitful friendships, but rather friendship red flags and other gray flags to keep an eye out for.
Red Flag: Active Disrespect of a Particular Party
Hate is a crazy concert, but it is often one that gets overlooked, especially if you and your friend have a common distaste for a particular group of people. This may be sexism, racism, distaste of a political party, a group of people you both know, etc… The feeling of distaste isn’t the red flag, how that distaste is acted upon is.
There is nothing wrong with talking some shit, everybody does it. There is absolutely something wrong with directly disrespecting someone about something you don’t agree with IF it isn’t directly negatively affecting anyone. A large example for heterosexual men is disrespecting women.
A dude can be totally chill with the boys, but the moment a woman is around or they enter a relationship, they get weirdly aggressive with said woman. This happens all the time because misogyny is a deeply rooted issue in our society and it can be passed down through generations. Anyways, a man disrespecting a woman for being a woman is a massive red flag for other men (and obviously women) because their distaste is aggressive, misinformed, and irrational. This type of disrespect can also be seen in people who blindly hate the opposite political party, a particular person because of a single encounter, or a particular race because of the color of their skin.
While having a common enemy is a bonding experience, understand that friends like this could very easily turn their back on you after a conflict you two have.
Red Flag: ‘Fake Friends’
Once again, there is nothing unnatural about talking a little shit about your friends. However, there is something wrong with treating someone kindly to their face, and then immediately taking issue with who they are as a person the moment they leave.
These are frequently referred to as ‘fake friends’ and they’ll give you the illusion that they have your back, but they don’t.
Their facades can easily convince you that you can trust them more than you really can. If you fall for this, the inevitable collapse of your friendship will hurt way more than it should have because you ignored the signs. It is, though, a relief that these friends are remarkably easy to see through because if they show you that they are being a fake friend to other people, they are probably being a fake friend to you as well.
Red Flag: Disrespecting Their Partner
This is a pretty simple one. If one of your friends is in a committed relationship and they frequently cheat, or cheat even once and don’t display remorse, they could very well be doing shady shit behind your back as well.
This behavioral pattern speaks less about how ‘good’ or ‘bad’ they are as a person and more to how little they value integrity. If they can stab someone they are in a relationship with in the back, they can certainly stab a platonic friend in the back as well. This is another telltale sign of a ‘fake friend’ and someone who is exceptionally prone to betraying you as well.
Gray Flag: Spontaneity and Irrational Decision Making
This is a fun one. We all have those crazy friends who are prone to maybe jumping off the pier after a night of drinking, or going home with a stranger, or climbing up a light pole, and it’s awesome at the moment. However, their ‘crazy and fun’ tendencies can turn against you. Sometimes, you can find yourself in the wake of their irrational spontaneity because they might mindlessly do something that they haven’t even considered might hurt you.
For example, if Brian and Tom are out at the bars and Ubered there together. Tom loses his phone half way through the night and both say, “Whatever, let’s take more shots”. Tom subsequently stumbles off to find his phone because he suspects he may have left it at the last bar. Brian dances with a girl while Tom is gone and even though he told Tom he’d meet him at that same spot they were when Tom left, Brian goes with the girl back to her car to hook up and now when Tom returns, he has no idea where Brian went and can’t even contact him because he still has no phone.
This is a gray flag, not a red one, because this characteristic isn’t exclusive to a ‘bad friend’, just a slightly unreliable one. That tiny bit of unreliability could not ever matter at all because the friend is still considerate, but if the friend displays selfish tendencies, just understand that you probably shouldn’t rely on them too heavily.
Gray Flag: The Horny Friend
This one has many different outcomes.
This friend has a ton of pros because usually their lust forsexual or romantic intimacy directly translates to compassion and platonic intimacy, but sometimes they can dabble in unreliability if they’re primarily thinking below the belt. That being said, they are also excellent for wingmanning, partying, and maybe even helping you find a little frisky action yourself on that Saturday night where you wanna come out of your box a little.
If we turn our attention to Brian and Tom’s situation, it is abundantly clear that Brian thought with the wrong head and Tom got caught in the wake.
If there is some sexual tension between this friend and yourself, this may be a reasonable option for a friend with benefits, which we covered a couple weeks ago here 🙂
This is a gray flag because the pros far outweigh the cons but the cons should definitely not be overlooked as they could ruin your night, but probably not your life. However, this can become a red flag if the friend is self absorbed enough to perhaps fuck around with your partner, in which case, obviously, find a new partner and friend because neither one of them are worth keeping around.
Friends come in all shapes and sizes. Some are dope and have your back but others can be backstabbing, deceitful and shady while showing you nothing but a smile on their face. This little list was built using my personal experiences in life and some lessons I’ve learned about who you can and cannot trust and I hope it helps you better qualify the people you surround yourself with. Friendship red flags can be hard to identify in the moment but may look so blatant in hindsight. Next time you find yourself in a situation where you need to put faith in someone, I highly encourage you to sit down, take a breath, and take a little gander at their behavioral patterns, strengths and weaknesses before making a decision.
By ourselves we are powerful, but with great friends, we are unstoppable.
What do you think? Did I miss anything? Even if I didn’t, I would love to what about your friendship experiences because we all come from different walks of life and I know for certain that mine doesn’t envelope everyone else’s.
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