This article was written by The Zillennial Zine’s summer editorial intern Connor Hanrahan. Find him on Instagram at @hannerhansmh. If you would like to share an article with The Zillennial, send us an email at thezillennialzine@gmail.com.
Breakups are tough. Whether you’re the deliverer or the recipient, separating yourself from somebody you loved, or at least had a fat crush on, can cause a world of hurt. It’s times like these that we count most on our friends, family, and loved ones for their support and it’s crucial that they can deliver in a way that best helps us. In turn, it’s important that we are there for them when they feel the same way. Today we will be discussing how to help a friend through a break up and some aspects to remember when you do so.
It’s important through all of this to keep in mind your friend’s personality type. Are they resenting the relationship or their ex? Are they sad that they were left? Are they unsure of their choice to leave? There is no “one size fits all” approach to being there for a friend during a break up simply because no two people are the exact same, ergo neither is the dynamic in their relationship.
The Deliverer or The Recipient?
The first difference in these situations stems from the root of the breakup: who broke up with who.
If your friend was broken up with, a soft shoulder to cry on and some encouraging words comforts the soul like a cup of hot cocoa on a cold winter’s day. Whether those words are actively comforting your friend or agreeing with them while they sit there and slander their ex, it is important that they know you’re on their team. I know it sounds a bit obvious, but when you feel like the world is crumbling around you, it’s pretty easy to lose track of who really has your best interest in mind.
If your friend broke up with their significant other, it’s more important that you help them remember why they did it when they forget. After leaving, it’s like magic: all of a sudden you forget all the reasons you left and POOF! All the good memories you two had together come pouring in like an avalanche. This is a perfect opportunity to remind them of some reasons they left in the first place. It’s also a good opportunity to remind them that their heart is yearning for the companionship that their ex provided, NOT the ex themselves.
However, regardless of whether they left or were left, your friend’s emotions are going to get the best of them at some point and they’ll want to place their ex on a pedestal. The best thing you could possibly do for your friend when this happens is bring up the reasons they told you they left them in the first place. Now, this can cause one of two reactions:
- They immediately remember and are grateful (yay)
- They start defending their ex from your “heinous accusations” (boo)
Option ‘B’ is an unfortunate one but seems to happen quite frequently. This is where it gets tricky. You can’t sit there and go in on their ex because they’ll get defensive, but you can’t tell them that they’re right and enable their defense of their ex because it’ll only make them miss the ex more. What to do? Easy, skip the minutia and just remind them broadly that they made the right choice. They know deep inside that they used valid criteria to determine whether it would be worth it to leave, but they need to be reminded that they made the right choice. Sometimes, it can even be beneficial to bring up other good decisions they’ve made in stressful situations. It’ll help them recall the confidence they felt after making that decision and hopefully it’ll remind them that they made the right one this time too.
Distractions
One surefire way to at least take your friend’s mind off the breakup is a distraction. This distraction could be anything from watching a Disney movie to purchasing an ant farm: it doesn’t matter as long as your friend isn’t thinking about their ex. However, my favorite distraction to use isn’t Disney (too emotional) or an ant farm (we aren’t 5 or bio majors), but rather exercise and other friends.
Exercise, specifically cardio, is the best remedy to any mental health issues that can directly stem from a breakup because it can directly take the place of the substance abuse that may otherwise be attempted. Smoking weed, drinking, or hitting a vape can cause temporary relief but their depressant nature will soon settle back in, exacerbating the existing emotions. Runner’s high is a natural way to flood your system with dopamine, the neurotransmitter for motivation.
Getting the same mood lift that you would from external substances through exercise will not only improve your mood, but inspire you to take action against sadness and develop habits that help you persevere through the breakup. Unfortunately, running is tremendously boring and cycling is expensive, so I would recommend pilates classes or sprints instead. Pilates isn’t quite cardio, but the nature of the exercises use the largest muscles in the body which is difficult enough for most to almost replicate the exertion used during running. Plus, helping the friend achieve their fitness goals will certainly make them feel better about themself as a person.
Exercise isn’t the only way to regain your happiness or confidence though. These feelings could stem from any improvement made in life. A huge change in life, like a breakup, is a good opportunity to dump bad habits and begin life anew. Depending on how close you are to the friend, you could also help them achieve a goal they’ve set. Sure, it’s a bit more time consuming and requires more than just a facial effort on your part, but helping them turn an all-time low into an all-time high is something that the friend will NEVER forget.
Changes are hard to make when they uproot your life, but when your life is already uprooted, why not make a change?
The last remedy I want to discuss is encouraging your friend to “get back out there”. Obviously, they may take some time to open up to this depending on how serious the relationship was, but the only way to replace romance is with romance.
Alternatively, they could just go hook up with a bunch of people to restore their self confidence and remind themself that they CAN in fact pull, but I’ve found that the emotional connection that comes with actually getting to know someone is far more beneficial mentally and emotionally. Learning about people and their behaviors through dating is a perfect opportunity to compare and contrast your ex because you will be forced to acknowledge the things people do better and worse.
Half the reason we get caught up on exes is that they were all we knew for so long that we forgot that other people may be better for us than our exes were. Of course in hindsight this observation hits like a brick to the face, but understanding it in the moment (or shortly after) can make the difference in easing our way through a breakup. It’s crucial to one’s mental health that they don’t misconstrue the feeling of longing for the feeling of regret. That’s a quick and surefire way to make oneself spiral emotionally.
There are so many different aspects to consider when comforting a friend during a breakup, but the best method always involves catering to their personal needs because no two people are the same.
All of the recommendations I’ve made above were things that have worked for me during mine and my friends’ during theirs, but there are plenty of things that work for other people too. I’ve even seen people take up art as a way to channel their emotions into a tangible end, though that thought never even crossed my mind when I broke up with my girlfriend of five years. When it comes down to it, our friends need support and they need it most when they’ve lost a connection they once relied upon so heavily. I hope this article is able to help you better care for your friends and family in their times of emotional need.
What do you think? This is one of those articles where I KNOW there are things I missed because there were too many to ever possibly cover in a single article. I’d love to hear about your experiences in the comments below 🙂
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