This article was written by The Zillennial Zine’s spring editorial intern Ky Tanella. Find them on Instagram at @ky.tanella. If you would like to share an article with The Zillennial, send us an email at thezillennialzine@gmail.com.
Something low-maintenance can be a good thing. One-pot dinners and unkillable plants are easy solutions to inconvenient issues with minimal effort; we want things to be easy. Even in people, it can be a neutral description – someone who adapts easily with little complaint, someone who’s not too picky with food or clothing textures. This isn’t to say that people who don’t adhere to that are high-maintenance, though. Wanting things to be easy is fine, it’s normal… until we apply these terms to women.
As a disclaimer, I’ll explore the psychology of people-pleasers, which may involve delving into past relationships and childhood memories. I recommend clicking away if this may be triggering for you.
Boundaries, Fear, and Low-Maintenance Living
There are multiple deep-rooted misconceptions about being a “low-maintenance” woman. Priding yourself on being easygoing, not complaining, and being “easily adaptable” could come from a belief that you should shrink yourself to be more “digestible” for others. The less attention or energy you require, the more lovable you are. Many women grapple with this belief, often due to childhood suppression, emotionally abusive relationships, or societal implications of women being “overly-emotional” or “too much”. All my people pleasers, this one is for you.
Women are often seen as high-maintenance when they assert their boundaries, stand up for themselves, or dominate in a space (mostly male-dominated). Intersectionality plays a massive part in this, as women of color, trans women, and queer women are especially accused of this – ie, Chappel Roan, Doechii, Rachel Zegler, I could go on and on about women being easily hated on for seemingly nothing.
The Cause
Women often struggle with this in relationships. Pretending everything is fine, downplaying feelings, or masking insecurities can be exhausting and debilitating. But when you get used to that behavior, it becomes the new norm, convincing yourself that a relationship that avoids conflict is the healthiest for both of you. In another sense, a woman might suppress her physical needs for attention or other love languages in fear of being rejected, or to avoid being labeled as “needy.” This is especially true if in the past, a partner has expressed anger or resentment when she expresses her needs as not being met, or if she offers a healthy conversation.
People-pleasing tendencies can also stem from childhood. Children learn to downplay their emotional needs and feelings if their parents shut down their feelings, are taught to tailor their responses to a grown-up, or their parents mock their feelings. They may also adhere to people pleasing behavior if they were excluded in school, labelled as “too sensitive”, if they were praised for being mature or “wise”, or if they grew up in an abusive household where they were taught to walk on eggshells. While they may seem relatively harmless in the moment, diving deep into your childhood can bring up these problematic behaviors and allow you to work on them better.
The Cost
A mature child may grow up to be a low-maintenance adult. If their emotional needs weren’t met, they may not be able to be as nurturing or provide proper reassurance, and were likely not taught to communicate healthily. Alternatively, they may be able to give support but do not know what they need or how to receive help, and they try to convince themselves that they do not need support. This emotional suppression is highly unhealthy to your mind and body – everyone needs support at some point, we’re human, we’re a species that needs each other. Additionally, if you need to “reel yourself back in” for a relationship, friendship, or job, it’s likely unhealthy and not serving you!
The “Cool Girl” Complex
The “Cool Girl” trope was first established for me when I watched Gone Girl back in 2015. They’re effortlessly cool, not overly emotional, like “masculine” hobbies, and are often seen as “playing hard to get.” This has been recycled and reused many times, particularly with the “Clean Girl” makeup and hair aesthetics that blew up on TikTok—ways to make you look “natural” or effortlessly beautiful. It exudes the energy of not caring or being effortlessly fun and attractive.
Being a high-maintenance woman harbors similar criticisms to being low-maintenance. Low maintenance in a woman’s world is supposed to make our lives easier and let us learn to accept relaxation and comfort. A messy bun, sweatpants, unshaven legs/armpits, and no makeup are more than okay for everyday living; it should be normalized not to be prim and proper all the time. But, everyone loves a cool girl until we’re questioning why she let herself go, or quietly judging her for prioritizing comfort. High-maintenance women are often criticized for putting so much effort into their appearance – their multiple-step skincare routines, everyday makeup, and desire to dress nicer and buy expensive clothing. They must be exhausting to deal with, or just so needy… so high-maintenance.
Men want a woman who “doesn’t care” about her appearance, who doesn’t get upset about little things, who’s easy to please, and whose emotions aren’t “hard” to understand. Agreeable.
Hetero Relationships and the “Effort” Issue
Men who want “no-drama” women are plaguing modern dating apps; they’re pretty shameless about it. Romantic heterosexual relationships are more often based on a power imbalance (both historically and modernly) where the man has more power and privilege. Low-effort acts of service are usually seen as a huge pain, and often desired to be done without asking (like planning dates, buying flowers, the little things). Minimal effort is frequently expected from a man, but an equal partnership takes work.
And effort doesn’t have to be material. Requiring thought, connection, vulnerability, care, and intention in relationships isn’t being needy or asking for too much… it should be the bare minimum. I’d be happy if my partner got me a rock from the side of the street and told me it reminded them of me. Is that too needy?
Both partners should expect you to give yourself and your effort to the fullest extent possible, but historically, this hasn’t been the case. This is not to say that you have to be at your best all the time; that simply isn’t sustainable. The fullest extent possible is trying your best! Some partners need to lean on each other at times, and may require more support than the other; imbalance is what makes this unhealthy. When society pushes these harmful “low-maintenance women” onto men, it often translates to not wanting to spend any time, money, or effort on the relationship. And why would you even want that?
Don’t mistake being low-maintenance for not standing up for your boundaries, needs, and expectations. Guys who tell you they want that from you are not worth it, and they expect you to set the bar very low.
How do you feel now that you’ve read this? Any better? It was certainly cathartic to write, so I hope it was cathartic to hear! As always, take care of yourself. And let us know your thoughts in the comments down below.
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