Being the adult you needed as a child doesn’t mean having all the answers. It doesn’t mean getting it right every time. It’s more about the way you show up and the way you listen. It’s about the way you decide, even on the hard days, to be kind. Most of us didn’t need someone perfect. We needed someone safe. Someone who saw us. Someone who didn’t make you feel like you were too much, or not enough. And now maybe you get to be that person; for a child, or maybe even for yourself.

Start with Gentleness (Especially with Yourself) 

It usually begins quietly. Not by trying to fix everything all at once, but by being a little softer. Especially with yourself. Let yourself rest when you’re tired. Let yourself feel what you’re feeling without rushing to get over it.

Talk to yourself the way you’d talk to someone you care about. Would you tell a child to stop crying? Probably not. Instead, you’d sit beside them and say, “It’s okay. You’re allowed to feel this.” 

Be the Safe Place

Children don’t just need protection from physical harm. They need to feel safe being themselves, being messy, and being emotional. They also want to be allowed to feel joyful, confused, loud, quiet, unsure. All of it.

Being a safe place doesn’t mean you always have the right words or endless patience. It just means you stay and show up. You say, “You don’t have to be okay right now. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

Support Their Needs (Even When You Don’t Understand Them Yet)

Sometimes children don’t know how to ask for what they need. So, they cry, they go quiet, or they keep saying the same thing over and over. They might grab onto something small or push everything away. It doesn’t always look like need. Sometimes it looks like being difficult or rude. Or like they don’t care. But if you stop and really look, you can usually feel it. You just have to ask, “What’s actually going on here?” And wait. That’s it. They don’t always say it, but it’s there.

This happens a lot in foster care. Children carry things they can’t always explain. Their needs can be messy, hidden, or hard to name. And when you’re fostering children with autism, that layer gets even more tender. Sensory activities for autism might look simple, but they can be essential. They’re a way to feel safe, and a way to come back into their body. They’re a way to connect when words don’t work. You won’t always get it right, but if you care enough to keep noticing, keep adjusting, and keep trying, that matters more than you think.

Let Them Be Who They Are 

So many children learn to shrink. To stay quiet, and to not take up space. But what if you didn’t ask them to do that? What if you said, “You don’t have to be smaller for me to love you”? Let them be loud, or quiet, or wonderfully weird. Let them love what they love. Let them feel what they feel. And maybe while you’re at it, you allow that for yourself, too.

It’s rarely the big moments that stay with someone. It’s the way someone looked at them when they were upset. The way they didn’t rush. Being the adult you needed is mostly that. Not grand. Not perfect. Just steady, gentle care. The kind that builds trust. The kind that makes someone feel safe, even if they don’t have the words to explain why.