This article was written by The Zillennial Zine’s summer editorial intern Connor Hanrahan. Find him on Instagram at @hannerhansmh. If you would like to share an article with The Zillennial, send us an email at thezillennialzine@gmail.com.
Everybody knows couples. For the duration of human history, two lovers have found a way to unite their lives and envelop their affection for one another in officiality. So why is it such a stretch for some to accept that it’s possible for three people to do the same? Is it because it changes the number of relationships from one to three? Is it because tradition and thousands of years of bipartite relationships have set our expectations of romantic happiness in stone? We can be certain that the sum of moving parts is greater, but does that really make the relationship less stable? Do throuples EVER work, and if they do, why do they work?
According to Verywell Mind, a renowned psychiatric publication, roughly one out of every six people are open to polyamory. Now I don’t know about you, but this is alarming information to find out considering how many traditional couples we meet throughout our early lives and how very few of us knew a throuple growing up. However, it begins to make a lot more sense when we consider different ways one might find themselves in a throuple. Heck, throuple normalcy has even reached streaming platforms with Zendaya’s new film “Challengers” involving such a relationship.
Swinging
There are plenty of memes today including various formats of the “there’s a couple checking you out from across the bar” situation, and frankly, this meme is funny and sometimes relatable because this is actually a thing that happens. Some throuples begin when a couple is looking to explore their sexual options, and sometimes even orientations, so they try to find somebody willing to participate with them. Typically, this has more of a one night stand vibe to it and unless they all absolutely hit it off, it remains that way. But if the couple decide that the single was a great time and they want to run it back, with the single’s consent of course, this can change from a threesome to a throuple within weeks.
However, a throuple is not simply a sexual term: it requires cooperation, symbiosis and emotional synchronicity from all three parties. This is where some throuples are made and many are broken.
It’s much easier said than done, but all jealousy and insecurity has to go to the wayside for this to work. The moment one party begins to fear for their position in the throuple, or feel as though the others’ connection is stronger, the throuple will begin to crumble. Sometimes the third party will start to feel omitted, which happens frequently, or in the worst case scenario, the pre-existing couple will face tension because one member will start to favor the third party more.
A Foursome Becomes a Threesome
The greater the number of parties in a relationship, the greater the required degree of cooperation and symbiosis between them.
A more common formation of a throuple involves a broken relationship between two couples. One couple breaks up for one reason or another and the ‘divorcee’, so to speak, is left as a third leg in the pre-existing relationship. Things in this type of relationship typically go south quickly for the third party, unless the person that left the relationship was kicked out or left voluntarily because of the relationship dynamic. With even the slightest disparity in perception of the fourth party leaving the relationship could come the aforementioned jealousy or general newfound distaste toward the relationship.
Throuples From The Get-Go
The final common type of throuple is the throuple that skipped all the nuanced steps and just up and decided to become a throuple. These throuples require an exceptional amount of likemindedness between parties and are very rare to find. Fortunately, I have met, sat down, and talked to a couple members of such a relationship.
In most instances, this love triangle begins with three separate parties of equilateral or isosceles sexual orientation, who all would exclusively like to be a part of a throuple. These people could meet on topical forums, in person at dating events, or even on dating apps or websites specific to polyamory and from what I’ve been told, take numerous attempts to find. Trial and error seems to be a keystone symptom of searching for the best polyamorous relationship for anyone.
It is common for a party to find their ideal partner, but this forms an intrinsic dynamic between the two, and that means the third party they find will have to be compatible with both personalities and the established dynamic between the two that decided they wanted to find a third party together. The general theme of ‘open mindedness’ within the polyamorous community means that it is typically easy to find someone willing to give the relationship style you desire a go, but difficult to find someone who fits like a glove into one’s, or a couple’s, ideals. Neither I, nor anyone interviewed for this article know a throuple that began as three people with no previous connection that decided to give it a go as a throuple and found long term success.
A Solid Real Life Example
A couple travels the world teaching international children at international schools. They’re rock solid as a couple, very aware of who they are as people, and have generally been very open to trying new things. Eventually, they end up in Thailand and begin developing platonic relationships with fellow teachers abroad within the same program as them and everything is cheery.
Once fully settled, they then begin branching out a bit and meet a French couple who very openly expresses their interest in hooking up with them. They agree because they’re open minded people who understand that you can never know what you truly like without trying anything. The couple decide after that they enjoyed it and they eventually decide that they want to run this back with the occasional couple or third party but ONLY if both members of their marriage are involved.
Fast forward a year, they have completed their contracts in Asia and move to South America, where they indulge in the same platonic, friendly acclimatization rituals they did previously, but this time they go into it knowing that they are into swinging. They then identify some couples who could be willing to be a part of it and continue living their lives normally through the first year of the contract.
But as the second year begins, a mutual friend, and former member of a couple they used to hook up with, begins to catch their eye in a more romantic way. She is already the wife’s best friend and participates in DnD games and friendly activities with the husband and his friends. Eventually, they all have drinks one night and the three decide to hook up. Then, they hook up again. And again. And more and more frequently, the mornings after less involve her leaving for her own apartment, and more involve them spending the day together and occasionally a second night.
All of a sudden, things are starting to shift from casual hookups to real life integration of a friend into a throuple. The sex is good, she meets both the husband and wife’s respective needs, fits fluidly into the dynamic of the pre-existing relationship, there is no jealousy at any end because she supports them and they support her, and the relationship between she and them has a time limit because at some point, their contracts will expire.
Now, with so many moving parts we are inspired to ask the question we began this article with:
Why Does This Throuple Work?
This throuple works for a series of reasons that are hard to replicate, because some of them are nuanced and others require unique perception of the situation.
The first reason is the prior relationship the couple had with their third. She and the husband had a terrific bond in both personality, love for the wife and interests, while she and the wife were best friends and had a mild crush on each other before anything ever happened between the three sexually. Both members of the couple being comfortable and familiar with her presence both inside and outside of the bedroom allowed for a frictionless transition to a throuple.
The second reason is the rules established by the husband and the wife during their time swinging before they became a throuple. It was made very clear between the two of them that neither partner was allowed to pursue any ‘solo ventures’ without the direct participation of their spouse. Both partners were also to be very open about their day to day encounters and interactions with others in any way that may have foreshadowed or alluded to any sexual or romantic activity. The establishment, and more specifically the adherence to these rules severely limited any opportunities for insecurity, trust issues, or jealousy to weasel their way into their relationship. Total trust in one another is key when integrating a third party into the relationship.
The third reason is the deadline set by their contracts at the school. This one was perceived as a pro by the couple because even if they emotionally deepened their connection with the third and things went south, they would have the relief of knowing that soon they would all be on other sides of the world and it would be easy to leave the ‘threelationship’ (da dum tss) behind as a lesson learned. However, this could’ve been easily taken as a con because if they decided they wanted to continue with the third past the end of the contract, it might lead to sorrow, reminiscing, and a desire to choose a life path more parallel to the third to reincorporate her back into their lives. This desire could even splinter into a disagreement between the spouses and cause a rift between them.
Pre-establishing with their third that the relationship would expire with their contracts was crucial to ensuring continuity in ideals and mitigating potential damages at every turn.
While throuples are definitely a niche genre of romance, at least today, they are becoming more and more commonplace as our society broadens the horizons of its norms and expectations. They are still rare to come by but hopefully the stigma, negative connotations, and scoff reactions will dissipate as time goes by, because who are we, as people, to deny others their happiness? Who are we to judge people based on their preferences in romance? We all want to be accepted for our principles and we all want to be loved in a way that works for us. Where true love and faith work, so do relationships. Where relationships work, so do throuples.
So, what do you think? Do throuples ever work? Let us know in the comments below!
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