This article was written by The Zillennial Zine’s fall editorial intern Eli Casas. Find them on Instagram at @elicasasnow. If you would like to share an article with The Zillennial, send us an email at thezillennialzine@gmail.com.
You are in charge of how much access you allow others to have to you, whether that means limited or at all. That has resonated with me for years now. Don’t get me wrong, I love to nurture relationships in my life, but over time I learned to pour into myself first. For me, that meant self-love, which gets you far in life because it contributes to how you carry yourself and treat others. However, the most challenging concept of managing who or how someone has access to you is complex in itself.
Mental Health
For as long as I can remember my mental health has been at the top of my list. Such as checking in with my therapist during challenging times but also for other chapters in my life. I learned that life consists of balancing the good and bad stress on a daily basis. That includes all the cliche things like journaling, staying physically active, and managing my time to avoid overextending myself.
Making time for others is just as important as assuring you set time aside for yourself. When I feel overwhelmed I make sure to schedule some time to do nothing, trust me it’s productive and in the long run it helps me recharge, which contributes to my overall performance. Do you know what else impacts my mental health? My support system. That’s why it’s essential to surround yourself with people that are good for you! In other words, not everyone is entitled to have access to you or your life.
Managing Access
I was not always this strong. Boundaries were non-existent for my younger self and I was more inclined to give second or third chances. Often I tried to tell myself that people change, circumstances fluctuate, and forgiveness is crucial in life. All of these things can be true but it does not apply to everyone or everything all the time. Why? Because toxic relationships exist, they impact your mental health over time, begin to take a toll on you, and impact your self-esteem as well as your well-being.
Last year while I was taking inventory of who I missed most in my life during one of my therapy sessions, I realized you can manage how much of you someone gets access to. Maybe some friends or family are just the kind of people you allow yourself to have coffee with but refrain from oversharing vulnerable aspects of your life. It does not have to be all or nothing, that is the beauty of boundaries, they are parameters you establish to feel safe or comfortable.
Learning To Let Go
When you decide to deny someone access to you it can feel tricky at first especially if the relationship was toxic. From my personal experience, it is not easy for other parties to accept your decision, they tend to feel a sense of privilege, like it’s their right to be in your life, whether it’s coming from family or friends. How people react usually tells you everything you need to know about them.
Yes, the red flags come out! This is usually when said people try to manipulate you by saying things like, “We’re family” or “You can’t just cut me out of your life” but the truth is none of that matters when you put yourself first. With time you learn to let go of people who do not serve a purpose in your life.
If you’re wondering what learning to let go of people looks like, it usually consists of no contact. Block! Block! Block! On your contacts, on social media, and out of your life. I think the reason no contact works so well is because it gives you time to grieve that person, on your own terms.
Grieving Someone You Know Is Alive
There are multiple people I no longer speak to, not out of spite but out of love for myself. From family, I could have not imagined being in my life, to friends who felt like my own blood. I loved them, I cared for them, and at some point, admired them. No matter how much I loved them it did not change the disrespect they showed me or the way they took having access to my life for granted. So, I had no choice but to learn to grieve them because I chose to deny them any access to my life.
Grieving is the one I found myself struggling with the most. No one can truly teach you how to mourn. You can’t just watch a step-by-step guide on how to feel but I’ll tell you what I found most comfort in during those moments of transition, it was reminding myself that everything I felt would only be temporary. That plus distracting myself with my favorite comfort shows!
Is it Ghosting?
No. Typically when you decide to remove someone from your life you have the option of having a brief conversation explaining where you’re coming from, communication is the best way to avoid ghosting. However, although it is an option it is not mandatory AT ALL! You control the narrative of your life. In some situations, removing individuals from your life by establishing no contact right away is a means of protecting yourself from toxic or abusive relationships.
There are other relationships where getting closure is healthier for both parties. In some ways saying goodbye is a form of having respect for that person and the relationship you had with each other. At times I found that expressing my gratitude for their time but, explaining how I could no longer afford to have them in my life helped them let go too. I can’t emphasize how much more complicated it is when the other party is persistent about “working things out”.
Love Yourself
Boundaries are helpful and part of protecting your peace. Once you acquire a sense of serenity, it’s hard to look back, because no words can describe how beautiful it feels to be in tune with yourself, fulfilled, and safe. Not everyone deserves access to you and the sooner you come to terms with that, the less heartaches you’ll probably endure.
Do you agree that not everyone deserves access to you? Let us know in the comments below.
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