This article was written by The Zillennial Zine’s spring editorial intern Ian Ferdock. Find him on Instagram at @ianferdock. If you would like to share an article with The Zillennial, send us an email at thezillennialzine@gmail.com.
Staying with your high school sweetheart is the stuff people dream about. However, one of the most common cliches in this scenario is that you’ll inevitably break up. More often than not, it tends to happen just a few months into your freshman year of college. But what about those of us who buck that trend? What does it take to make a relationship that began in high school last well into your twenties? Can high school sweethearts last for the long haul?
High School Sweethearts
My girlfriend and I met in the summer before my senior year and her junior year of high school. Seven years later, we are still going strong. Granted there have been many ups and downs but we’ve managed to stick by each other’s side. That got me thinking, how on earth did we manage that? The period between high school and your mid-twenties is trademarked by tremendous change. That can be difficult on your own, but even more so when you factor in balancing your needs with those of your partner. We have confronted many challenges together, and over time our relationship has adapted to meet each other’s evolving needs. It certainly hasn’t been easy, but with enough communication, determination, and luck, we’ve managed to make things work.
A Time of Change
When you begin your adult life, whether that’s just after high school or college, it can take some getting used to. Finding a job, starting a career, and figuring out the path you want to pursue is a daunting undertaking. Most of us don’t have it all figured out initially, and that’s normal, but as you approach 25 the decisions you make can have a significant impact on the course of your life. All of that is magnified when you’re in a relationship. You aren’t just planning your life; you’re probably planning a life with someone else.
As you enter your twenties, you have to grapple with career development, possibly relocating, and a lot of personal growth. Each time something in your life changes, it affects both you and your partner. Since you’re both still just beginning to figure things out, there’s a ton of pressure. While Zillennials have faced significant economic hardship, most of us are at least trying to become financially independent. Finances can be a source of stress in any relationship, but that is magnified when you’re a young adult just beginning to take strides toward financial stability.
There aren’t just external changes either, like careers or financial circumstances. Your twenties are also a time of substantial personal growth. As that pesky frontal lobe starts to finally finish developing, your values, world outlook, and political opinions can change drastically too. All those things are challenging on their own, but when you multiply everything by two it can be a lot to grapple with. It’s no surprise that it’s so rare for high school sweethearts to last.
Communication
The biggest key to maintaining a healthy relationship amidst change and instability is communication. Of course, that’s important in any relationship, but as your lives are constantly evolving it’s vital to be on the same page. You have to be constantly checking in with each other to avoid confusion and set realistic expectations. This goes for the big stuff as well as the small stuff.
Having clear communication means being totally honest with each other. Because your careers are likely in their stages of infancy, that will usually come with some uncertainty, especially in the way of schedules. Just making sure you’re communicating with each other about what’s going on day to day, or even week to week can make a huge difference. You need to leave time for each other amidst all the chaos. That could mean setting aside a date night, or if you are making things work long distance it could be beneficial to schedule FaceTime date nights. One way that me and my girlfriend were able to set clear expectations with each other was to write our schedules down in a central place. That way everything we needed to accomplish was clear to both parties. A strategy that worked well for us was to utilize a dry-erase board in our room. For you, it may be something different, but what matters is finding something that you and your partner can agree on
The Bigger Picture
Communication isn’t just about schedules. There will be more pressing matters to discuss. Not only do you need to communicate obvious topics like your emotional needs, but you need to ensure your short and long-term goals are compatible. If you make it to your mid-twenties with your high school sweetheart, odds are you’ve been together for over 5 years. At that point, I would assume your goal is to eventually get married. Planning your life for yourself is hard enough. When you are planning your life with someone else, it adds another layer of complexity.
You must have a lot of consequential conversations that consider the bigger picture. Do you plan on living together? Do you want to move and start your career somewhere else? Is marriage on the table? Do you want kids? Is someone willing to put their career on pause to support the other person? Every few months you’re going to have to stop and check in.
You also need to realize that sometimes you’re going to fight. Arguments in a relationship are inevitable. You just need to make sure that when fights happen, you develop strategies to ensure both voices are heard while not offending each other and taking it too far.
Don’t Forget to Prioritize Yourself
Your romantic relationship should never be your sole priority. Maintaining a sense of individuality is crucial. You can’t let your relationship guide too much of your self-discovery. Nor do you want to become overly emotionally dependent. Your twenties need to be centered around figuring out your passions and goals. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible when factoring in another person, but it does mean you will have to work that much harder.
The key is finding a balance between meeting your needs and meeting the needs of your partner. That could mean ensuring you have enough time to spend with each other but also prioritizing time for yourself. Everyone needs alone time or time with just their friend group.
You can’t abandon your personal development. This is a common reason why relationships with two young adults fail. It’s very easy to get distracted and consumed with each other. But over time, that can be isolating and lead to resentment. Ensure that you find enough to just be yourself, independent from your partner. Otherwise, when it does come time to discuss the big picture, you might not know what to prioritize.
Stay Adaptable
Sometimes things just aren’t working. You need to be able to adapt your relationship to make sure both partner’s needs are met. Sometimes that will mean making sacrifices. At any stage, most relationships aren’t a constant 50/50. Some days, you may have to give 90 percent because the other person can only give 10 percent. The next day it might completely flip.
A huge component of grappling with change is the need to constantly evolve and shift your priorities. The only way to make a high school relationship last is to possess some level of mental agility. There’s always a give and a take. You want to be able to support your partner but also be careful not to spread yourself too thin.
Know When To See The Writing On The Wall
Eventually, some relationships get to a point where it just isn’t working. You can’t force something that isn’t meant to be. When you are still young, you can reach a point in your relationship where your short and long-term goals aren’t compatible. Love isn’t always enough. Even though you love each other and want to stay together, it doesn’t mean you should.
Sometimes people can be willing to make sacrifices. Sometimes they aren’t. Either situation is fine, but it’s essential to be on the same page. If you are going to sacrifice your goals to be supportive of your partner, then you must thoroughly think it through. You don’t want to wake up 20 years down the road and realize you threw away an opportunity that you may never get again. However, pursuing your ambition can cost you a relationship.
All things considered; it is important to remember that the first sign of trouble doesn’t mean it’s the beginning of the end. There will be good times and bad times. Relationships ebb and flow. Sometimes you will feel as thick as thieves, other times it might feel as though you’re a world apart. It is just important to recognize when there are problems so you can confront them together or recognize when the challenges become insurmountable.
There’s a reason high school sweethearts that end up married for 60-plus years are rare. Don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t work out for you and your partner.
So, Can High School Sweethearts Stay Together?
Well, they definitely can, but they usually don’t. You have to put in a lot of extra work during an already intense period of your life. Granted, being with someone who is facing the same challenges can make life easier. That way you always have someone to relate to. At the same time, it can also make things tougher. You can’t just blindly follow your dreams when you’re in a relationship. You must make room for the other person’s dreams too. Not everyone is going to want to do that, and that’s okay.
Communication, Determination, Luck
Ultimately, the most influential factors that will determine if your high school relationship lasts are communication, determination, and quite a bit of luck. We’ve already discussed communication, but it is vital. However, determination will be equally as important because it certainly won’t be easy. There will be problems and a lot of them. So, you have to be determined.
You also need luck on your side. When you’re 18, you may have some idea of what you want in life. And maybe your values and life goals already matched those of your partner. But as you go through your twenties, odds are your priorities will shift. You might get lucky, and your ambitions will match your partner’s ambitions. However, you might not. It sucks, but if young love is going to last, you don’t just need love. You need luck too.
My girlfriend and I have undertaken wildly different paths than we thought we would after college. We are extremely lucky that as our lives have evolved, they’ve managed to evolve together and remain compatible. Furthermore, our unrelenting stubbornness in making things work has been key too.
If you are still with your high school sweetheart, how did you manage to make things work? Let us know in the comments below!
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