This article was written by The Zillennial Zine’s senior fall editorial intern Dalal Daher. Find her on Instagram at @dalalllldaher. If you would like to share an article with The Zillennial, send us an email at thezillennialzine@gmail.com.
We often celebrate finding your true love, or getting into the perfect college or career path. Our society, from small talk with acquaintances to Hallmark movies, places a lot of emphasis on figuring out who you are and building your life around things that are authentically ‘you.’ However, a question lingers: what do you do if you start growing out of that identity and feeling disconnected from who you are? We always talk about finding our perfect person, even finding ourselves in growth into adulthood. But when hobbies, relationships, and even careers start to feel wrong for you, like a beloved pair of jeans that has become too constricting or too loose, what do you do then? How do you rediscover yourself when you feel lost?
There is no universal solution to feeling disconnected from yourself, but there are ways to introspect that may be helpful for you. Here are a few ideas on how to start a journey of re-self-discovery.
Write down what feels right and wrong
Realizing you don’t recognize yourself in a certain part of your life is a jarring feeling. It’s important to pinpoint what exactly is making you feel dissatisfied, bored, sad, or overall not the best version of yourself. Try to elucidate what the source of the disconnect is. Do you feel like your job requires you to work long hours that conflict with your free-natured spirit? Or maybe you’re an introvert who feels compelled to socialize more than they normally would in a new friend group of active extroverts. Sift through your life over the past few months and focus on what’s been sparking joy, what’s been causing you stress, and why.
Define yourself
How would you describe yourself in three words? Three sentences? What are your likes and dislikes? Imagine introducing yourself to someone new, or even writing this out, and reflect on what you feel is your core identity. Do you think your lifestyle is matching up with your values?
For example, if you define yourself as an outdoorsy person, but live in a metropolitan area without much greenery, realizing how much nature means to your wellbeing may highlight where you live as an issue. Reaffirming who you believe you are at your core may make you think about what aspects of your life have been undernourished recently.
Also, reflect on where you want to be in life, and what is helping you get there versus what is limiting you. Focus on what you want to happen to you and what you need to change, or keep doing, in your life to reach your goals.
Do some solo self-care
Set aside some time to do some self-care by yourself! Whether it’s a walk around the park, a bubble bath, an elaborate skincare routine or a gaming session, give yourself some unstructured time to really enjoy your own company. If you’ve been feeling stressed and anxious, actively decompressing will clear your mind and let you refocus on what you care about. Even if you’re not feeling stressed, spending intentional time alone will give you valuable time to reconnect with yourself in an unpressured manner. It’s also okay if you don’t have a designated self-care activity- cycle through some options and see what makes you feel the happiest and most relaxed, which in of itself will make you feel better.
Reconnect with previous phases
Crack open a photo album and laugh at your emo kid phase! Go through your pictures, camera roll, or even Snapchat memories if you really want to dig deep and look at how far you’ve come! Try to see if any of these phases sparked unexpected joy. Fair warning, you may run into a lot of cringiness and nostalgia, but you also might see something that reminds you of an activity you loved back in the day, or even a forgotten hairstyle you’d try again.
You could also try to talk to a longtime friend or a friend from high school and reminisce, or try an old sport or instrument you used to play. Don’t put any pressure on it, just have fun. You may feel a sense of reconnection, a new passion, or if nothing else, a validating and heartwarming trip down your memories.
Re-evaluate your relationships
Sometimes, the friction in your life and identity is due to the people around you. It’s possible that you are outgrowing your friendships or romantic relationships, or simply that your friend group’s main activities aren’t of interest to you anymore, or maybe even a trivial issue. Whatever it is, reflect on if the people in your life make you feel stifled. Do you feel like you can trust them, and that they make you feel seen and supported? Hang out with friends who feel like a breath of fresh air, confide about your problems, and ask for genuine advice, or even how they view you, for some clarity.
Don’t worry, thinking about your friendships and relationships doesn’t mean you have to jump to drastic measures and cut anyone off necessarily. If you enjoy someone’s friendship but wish you guys would stop doing a certain activity all the time, or that you just need some time to yourself, let them know.Romantically, try taking a break from dating if you’re single to refocus on what you want in a partner and of yourself, or telling your partner about your struggles.
Experiment!
Lastly, learn your own boundaries by pushing them. Get uncomfortable- take that workout class you were apprehensive about! Try that new hair color (if it won’t mess up your hair too much, that is). Reach out to that new friend or try learning that new skill. Only by getting uncomfortable will you learn what the new and improved version of you likes and dislikes, and it may truly surprise you!
Feeling lost isn’t something that happens suddenly. You may think something is perfect for you and realize that it was only right for the phase you were in. Whatever relationship you have towards your own identity, just remember it’s okay to feel like you’ve lost your way from time to time. We’re people– we’re meant to evolve, not stay stagnant. Eventually, if you put in the work, you’ll find yourself again, and you’ll feel even more confident in your identity after the journey.
Leave a Reply